As promised, here’s part one of the lesson we’ve learned since our son was diagnosed with ADHD ten years ago.
Lowering Standards – I had to learn to ask one question over and over. “What’s more important?” What was more important, pristine rooms or an environment where I wasn’t stressed about it?* Straight A’s or kids who weren’t stressed (too much) about grades? Boy Scouts or three more unscheduled, laid back hours in a week? Legibility or learning? Over and over, I had to relax standards, lower expectations, and let go of preconceived notions. What was left were the essentials.
*I’m happy to say, that if you came in my house right now – it’s straight. The mess didn’t last long, because the boys grew up and moved away. And yes, there is a lesson in that!!
Learning How They Learned – Although I gained a lot from reading articles about learning styles, I never could pigeonhole any of our boys into one category. The boys seemed to morph from one day to the next. We eventually assembled an arsenal of learning devices – from whisper phones to flash cards to poems to mind maps to unique math methods to understand math. We learned over 100 ways to focus – as I share in our Focus, Pocus guide. I learned to get through a night of homework – usually without tears and with only minimal frustration.
Partnering with the School – First of all, we had a stellar run of teachers. For the most part, they loved our boys and bent over backwards to help them. I had to learn to be on their team – as teachers and as human beings. I made sure my contacts with them were mostly positive. I complimented them verbally and in writing – and shared those compliments with anyone who would listen, including principals and school board members. My husband and I got involved with the school, sending in food, working book fairs, serving on committees, and showing up for conferences. Constant communication was the key to all of this. Thank goodness for email during high school.
NOT Letting Go – At some point, we are supposed to let our kids become responsible for doing their own homework and studying. We let go of Ron in high school. He floundered and made so so grades, didn’t learn what he should have, and went to (and paid for) community college for two years before he got his act together. Joe and Mike would not have graduated from high school had we let go. So I stayed in charge. The teachers and I made sure the boys studied for tests, prepared projects, and did assignments. I tutored and proofread and retaught and learned everything they did. (Amo, amas, amat…) And they graduated, to strains of the Hallelujah Chorus, and now Joe is a Petty Officer in the Navy, and Mike is in his second year of college – still struggling, but making it.
(And now I have Ash, who just turned in a fifty page project that I never saw. And got an A on it. I’m so glad he was last. Can you imagine having that act to follow?! Plus, I’m still TIRED from the first three!)
Making Sacrifices – Anytime you write about sacrifices you run the risk of sounding sanctimonious and/or making others feel guilty for not doing what you have done. So I’m going to spare you what our sacrifices were/are. But let’s just say that there are times you may have to give up things, jobs, money, or time. You may have to waive your right to self expression, hold your temper in check, and bite your tongue. Your family may have to change habits, diets, or sleep patterns. You may lose friends and/or gain enemies. Just know that you are not alone, that this too will pass, and that your children are worth it!
Life Preparation – In the middle of ADHD, we – especially my husband – gave our boys some non-academic life training. Our guys can maintain a car, make sound financial decisions (no car debt for any of them – ever!), and ask a girl out. They know how to cook and clean and relate to small children. They can do their own laundry, schedule a doctor’s appointment, travel independently and bargain for a Christmas tree. They can argue and fight and ask for forgiveness, look someone in the eye and ask for a job. If we disappeared tomorrow, they would make it.
PS What did YOU do right?! Share it with us below!
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Life is a journey – that’s for sure. And hindsight is 20/20. So many cliches that apply. But the biggest transformation happened in me – accepting my son the way he is wired. I’ve learned to reject society’s judgments and value my own. But I learned to change my own judgment as well. I did view ADHD as a disorder – as something wrong with my son. I view it as a gift now – truly. Where I questioned God for it, I now thank him. Yes, it is a “trial” but it is one that has helped me grow as a parent and will help my son be who he is meant to be – now and in the future.
I lead an ADHD parent support group in my community now – to try to give back to parents just starting this journey. If I can impart some of the knowledge I’ve learned in the 100 or so books I’ve read, and all the experts I’ve consulted with, and all the experiences (good and bad) I’ve had with my son – that’s what I want to do. But I know they still have to learn the hard way. They have to experience it before they will change. The biggest change, the most common, that I see needs to be made – is to embrace it. So many parents are ashamed of this “disorder” their child has. They worry what people will think if they put their child on medication. What I wish for them is that they would have the confidence (and self-esteem….we’ve all suffered low self-esteem because we feel like we have failed at this thing called parenting when we see our kids struggle in the school system)… but what I wish for parents is that they would have the confidence to reject what others think and do what they think is best. We all just have to be content with knowing we are doing our best. We aren’t going to purposely make mistakes. But we will make mistakes – and that’s okay. That’s life!
Edward Hallowell’s book Superparenting for ADD helped me for the first time be able to explain to my son his ADHD in a positive way (and actually believe it). He’s 7th grade and into cool cars. I told him his ADHD meant that he had a race car brain – a Ferrari – super powerful and capable and AMAZING. But that he just had regular Toyota brakes. So, we need to increase the braking system with medication to help his race car brain work better at school. He loved the metaphor and so did I!!
Hallowell runs an ADHD summer camp on Lake Michigan that I think would be awesome – focusing on the positives. I read another great book by Jenifer Fox called Your Child’s Strengths and she recommends having your child figure out his strengths and what to focus on via an assessment at http://www.kolbe.com. The book really calls into question our American school system.
So, where am I now? I’m wanting to view ADHD more positively and focus on the my child’s strengths. Instead of viewing my child as unsuccessful because he isn’t doing well at school. I view the schools as unsuccessful because they aren’t teaching our children well. So, I have to supplement. I have to advocate more than I’d like. I have to train the teachers. I’m fighting at the State legislature for more money for education so kids can be successful. And our other child is going to private school for $20,000 a year because public schools are no where near ready to handle her needs (as they are even more than ADHD…we have learning disorders too).
I think that wraps up my thoughts on ADHD at this moment – it’s a gift that is unappreciated by some, but has the power to do great things for my child in the right hands.
I am so grateful for you sharing what you did right especially. My daugther, who is 10 years old and in the 5th grade, was diagnosed with ADHD-I in the 1st grade. I have sometimes felt like I haven’t done anything right as it relates to her diagnosis.
But, this year I moved her from a Christian school with a very challenging curriculum, to a Catholic school that specializes in children with different learning disabilities. Though we have decided to enroll her in a “regular” Catholic school next year, this experience has taught me so much. They don’t offer alot of social activities and they have basically taken the stress out of school.
Which made me start thinking about how we operate at home. I had to decide if I wanted a child that was not totally stressed out or if I wanted to keep her in every activity and demand that she make straight A’s. This year we didn’t do soccer and some of her other activities. We didn’t keep ourselves busy with things that really aren’t important, as you said. Instead, we started having more family game nights and spending more time with our daughter. I started reading books about how ADHD is really a gift and not a deficit. And it allowed us to see her for the beautiful, creative, sensitive, and loving child she is. We started showing more patient with her, stopped yelling at her to complete tasks in our time, started posting lists to help her keep focused…and I can’t tell you how this has helped our relationship with her. Instead of yelling about doing chores, I just direct her to the weekly chore sheet on the refrigerator. We also have an out-the-door checklist and a bedtime schedule posted. People come over and joke about the lists hanging around, but it’s what works for us (my husband also has ADHD!).
Sharing your information has really helped me to love my daughter just as God made her!
For us it’s only been about 2 years since we learned that our now 20 year old son is ADHD Inattentive and Dyslexic. He struggled all the way through school but it wasn’t until his senior year where the anger and frustration got the best of him and he didn’t pass enough classes to graduate. We took him to a psychologist who specialized in learning disabilities. The man was wonderful. Our son did decide to try medicine because he didn’t know anything other than what he had been dealing with all his life. When he did go back to high school to graduate he was amazed at the difference the medicine made, although he still had all those issues of being disorganized and not knowing where to start, etc. The teachers were more willing to help him because he was asking for help.
2 years later he is still learning to take his medication. He is getting better with all of his relationships and is engaged to a girl who is willing to help him. He is learning about the ADHD and is trying, although like most kids its very hard but probably harder because he was diagnosed so late. He has a childhood of school habits to unlearn and learn a better way of doing things
His personal life has turned around and he is happier, not so angry with the world and looking forward to persuing a teaching degree. He does still have issues with his self-esteem. He questions his ability to do well in school and do things right with relationships but is learning, this will take some time.
I’m glad we know, makes us all feel better especially when he says he will get something done and it doesn’t happen. At least we know why and what we can do differently to make sure he gets the tasks done.
We will continue to learn!
I’m so thankful for this website and newsletter! The stories shared & active feedback is a true life account of the daily challenges & accomplishments we all face with our children.
My 7th grade son struggles with attention and is inconsistent in completing and turning in homework in his core classes. He excels in band, with absolutely no reminder of needing to practice! I’m sure some of you can relate.
In elementary the signs began to show, and then get progressively more noticeable in middle school due to the educational demands. Throughout that time we’ve taken just about every alternative measure to help keep him on track, including Neuro Feedback treatments. They work, but are costly and need to be somewhat ongoing.
Recently when I explained the situation he faced, he cried when he heard the term ADD, but I told him “you’re not broken, we don’t need to fix you…we just need to train your brain to stay organized.” In that moment he realized the challenge at hand and how we were going to tackle it, by documenting his planner, posting checklists in the house, writing things down….not much different than how many adults keep daily reminders.
Currently my biggest frustration with the public school system is the lack of “specific ADD” student support classes for this wide spread need. Although we’re currently in the process of obtaining the IEP for assistance, the school system has no specific courses geared toward thought organization, daily work documentation habits, tips to stay focused or help kids “remember” what was covered in class…etc…etc. Not to mention the one teacher that’s more detrimental to a student’s confidence & self esteem, then understanding of the challenges he faces!
At home we’ve implemented routines such as: 3×5 note card “checklist” on the front door w/everything that should be in his backpack including at least 4 pencils. Nightly run down of what was taught in each class, homework done at the table, review school planner documentation daily…etc…etc. Not only am I trying to implement a process to help him remember, by forming good reminder habits….I’m setting him up to succeed in life after schooling. Creating reminder habits he can use into adulthood.
Chore lists, Front Door Backpack Checklists…we have them and they are working. I’m still hesitant on medicating as I feel he needs more life skills then meds. This is a life changing experience one that has truly shown me that I’m still his biggest cheerleader and together we can do it…its shown him that HE CAN DO IT!
For us it’s only been about 2 years since we learned that our now 20 year old son is ADHD Inattentive and Dyslexic. He struggled all the way through school but it wasn’t until his senior year where the anger and frustration got the best of him and he didn’t pass enough classes to graduate. We took him to a psychologist who specialized in learning disabilities. The man was wonderful. Our son did decide to try medicine because he didn’t know anything other than what he had been dealing with all his life. When he did go back to high school to graduate he was amazed at the difference the medicine made, although he still had all those issues of being disorganized and not knowing where to start, etc. The teachers were more willing to help him because he was asking for help.
2 years later he is still learning to take his medication. He is getting better with all of his relationships and is engaged to a girl who is willing to help him. He is learning about the ADHD and is trying, although like most kids its very hard but probably harder because he was diagnosed so late. He has a childhood of school habits to unlearn and learn a better way of doing things
His personal life has turned around and he is happier, not so angry with the world and looking forward to persuing a teaching degree. He does still have issues with his self-esteem. He questions his ability to do well in school and do things right with relationships but is learning, this will take some time.
I’m glad we know, makes us all feel better especially when he says he will get something done and it doesn’t happen. At least we know why and what we can do differently to make sure he gets the tasks done.
We will continue to learn!
I am still in the midst of this ADHD Innattentive journey, and I have learned to find the help we need. I cannot do this alone, nor should I. I cannot be expected to know how to deal with my son’s challenges. This was unfamiliar territory for me and my husband. We don’t have family to rely on throughout this process, so we have researched and reached out to others who are familiar with this experience with their own children and students.
We are our son’s #1 advocate and if we aren’t going to fight for him to get what he needs, who will? Through example, this teaches him to stand up for what he believes in and that is a lesson not taught in school.
Lastly, we have learned to not feel guilty because we medicated our son. It was not a decision we took on lightly and if we had to go through this process again, we wouldn’t change any of the decisions we have made because they were all made out of love and in our son’s best interests. People who judge us don’t know what we personally have experienced, because every ADHD kid is different.
We grow with our son.