I Facebooked back and forth a couple of weeks ago with a mom. She told me a story that is so textbook ADHD-Inattentive, that I asked her if I could share it with you. I had planned to put it all in the newsletter, but changed my mind and have given it an entire webpage…
Tonight, I sit here feeling like I am failing as a parent of an ADHD child. My daughter is such a good kid, but her forgetfulness, impulsiveness and disorganization has become an all time high. She has just received her 3rd after school detention for the same thing-not turning in her homework. She is in middle school and they are teaching them about being more responsible to get them ready for high school next year.
They get a check every time it happens and when they reach 4 they get an hour after school. It is wiped clean every 9 weeks so the checks do not carry over. It is also per teacher as well. So now, if she receives another detention before the end of the year, she will get a Saturday detention AND lose going on their field trip to the water park.
I went through her backpack and binder tonight to find a STACK of papers that she didn’t need anymore. I haven’t done that in a while, thinking that she was getting better being organized. Boy, was I wrong! She has so much potential and is so smart. I don’t want her to lose out on any opportunities because of something as stupid as forgetting her homework…
She does it-I see her do it. But somewhere and for some reason between here and school-poof-it’s gone. I am going to be calling her homeroom teacher tomorrow to discuss it further. She called me Friday to let me know about some assignments and projects that have not been completed. I just don’t know what to do. I’m feeling lost and want to help her.
A few days later, I received “The Rest of the Story”…
On Monday, my daughter did not complete her Accelerated Reader points for the 9 nine weeks, so she received her 4th detention to be served on a Saturday. This means that she also lost her field trip. When she came home, I lost it all over again and this time she saw me break down. I was sad for her, heartbroken for her and at the same time disappointed in her and myself. It was an all time low for me as a parent.
She worked hard Monday evening at her homework and I talked to her before she went to bed. I told her that I knew she was SO smart and had every ability to do what needed to be done, but that I was disappointed that this had happened and that she needed to do better-we both did.
On Tuesday her homeroom teacher called me to tell me she didn’t know what I did Monday evening, but that Carla was a different kid that day! She was working harder and asking what else she needed to do! Tuesday after school she served her 3rd detention and I talked to 2 of her teachers when I picked her up. We spoke about what we could do to get her ready for the high school next year in terms of organization and such. I had also called the student affairs principal and set up a meeting for Thursday to speak to him about that.
On Wednesday, her math teacher called and said all 5 of her teachers were trying to come up with things to help her for next year and then went on about a 504 and how to go about that. As I listened, I though “we already have one!”. So I returned her call and left a message to that effect.
She called me back after a thorough search of files to tell me that Carla did NOT have a 504, but there was note of a meeting (fall ’07) and the recommendation of a 504. I was livid!! In the beginning of 5th grade, we had that meeting with everyone and the 504 should have been put in place then.
I went straight to the school after leaving “nice” messages for the school psychologist and the student affairs principal. After waiting 10 minutes after they knew I was there, I was led into a conference room where they were all going over notes from that meeting and trying to figure out why it was not put into place for her back in ’07. SO, in the 10 minutes I was waiting, they put one together and we sat for 1/2 hour talking and adding to the provisions.
Her math teacher was at the conference and asked if we couldn’t give Carla another shot at the field trip. Giving her 5 detentions instead of 4. They decided that was fine, but I and her teachers are telling her she has to “earn” it back with working hard and turning in what needs to be turned in.
Before the conference, I asked her math teacher if this 504 was already put into place, would things have gone any different this year. It was an emphatic yes! Because there are other things they could have done for her if it was in writing. Someone dropped the ball. All we can do now is go forward and work on organization and working on projects when they are given instead of waiting til the last minute to finish them up!
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I found your site as I have been searching for info on adhd inattentive type. my daughter is 9 and was just diagnosed with this…..having a background in special ed and neices and nephews with adhd combined i have been concerned about my daughter for a couple of years. I know that she is a bright girl and in the past she has had very well structured teachers that have worked well with her learning styles. This year, in 3rd grade her teacher is less structured and tends to leave a concept once it has been taught….this has not worked well for my daughter especially with her writing skills. As the year has progressed the holes with her ablity to focus have become more evident to me. Although the teacher was not seeing it as she is not a behavior problem the school psychologist who was brought in to observe her( thanks to my pediatrician) was able to identify that she is often distracted. This concurred with the observations we had from outside of school life. She has always shown a bit of a strong will towards things she does not want to do or does not find exciting enough and we have always parented using behavioral strategies to help her. Socially she has a tendency towards shyness but can easily be outgoing…..all depends on the day and situation. She tends to have a leader type of personality if she is comfortable in the situation. This year I began to see more and more problems with her confidence and we have enrolled her in activites to help build it back up. This year the girls in her class have shown a lot of cattiness and we have been talking a lot about how to handle it. I began to wonder if some of the social problems might have to do with her difficulties being able to respond to comments being made…so some girls tend to ignore her because she does not continue the conversations. Once the doctor gave the diagnosis (which I was not surprised with) I said I wanted to hold off on medication. At this point I feel that she is not drowning in frustration, however I know that some days are a real struggle and some days are pretty good. Some days she comes home from school and everything about homework is a meltdown. Other days she seems to be able to cope with very little difficulties. She is very tall for her age and I know her body is changing so hormones are all over the place. How do I judge when the inattention difficulties are overriding all of the other challenges. And do I wait until she is slways struggling to put her on medication. Any info would be a great help.
Thanks.
For our ADHD-inattentive daughter, she also flourished and was a better student in classrooms where teachers engaged in a more structured teaching style. In classrooms like you describe for your daughter in third grade, she faced similar dilemmas. It’s interesting to me that even the personality characteristics you describe — shy in certain situations and exhibiting leadership capabilities in areas she’s confident — all sound extremely familiar.
Like you, our family tried various behavioral strategies to overcome her distraction. Spelling to a rap, going over social studies facts in a different room from math facts, offering peppermint tea to jump start focus, setting a timer for a dreaded task, etc. — we tried a lot of things too. It sounds like you’re savvy enough to have been proactive in your approach.
Our family also postponed medication for as long as possible. In hindsight, I wonder if we waited too long. It’s a tough call.
Although Leslie exhibited symptoms as early as kindergarten and was diagnosed in fourth grade, we didn’t agree to medication until she was in 6th grade. By then, her confidence was lagging and her self-esteem suffered. I don’t want to portray the medicine as a cure-all, but in our daughter’s case, it was an effective tool.
Let me address this part of your comment:
I began to wonder if some of the social problems might have to do with her difficulties being able to respond to comments being made…so some girls tend to ignore her because she does not continue the conversations.
Her ADHD-inattentive tendencies can indeed affect her interaction with others. If she zones in and out of the conversations around her or interjects random comments, the others may decide to ignore her as you’ve mentioned. Social reasons are just as valid as academic reasons for you to weigh as you make the decision to medicate or not.
As you make this decision, I would encourage you to seek the counsel of professionals you trust — the school psychologist, teachers who know her well and her pediatrician or family doctor should be excellent resources. One of the questions that Kayla and I have both posed through the years to medical professionals from orthodontists to surgeons is “If this were your child, what would you do?”
If a doctor, teacher or counselor has a reputation for advising medication for many children, you want to know that. You want the decision best for YOUR child – not all the other children in the class.
I wish I could give you a pat solution, but I can’t. ADHD isn’t a one-size-fits-all diagnosis. We wish you the very best as you continue to ask questions and discover what’s best for your daughter. Keep us posted on your next steps. We would love to hear from you soon.