Archive for the ‘adhd success story’ Category
After I posted ADHD – What We Did Right yesterday, it showed up on my Facebook page. I got the most glowing comments – all of which would have gone to my head had I not know that – today was coming. So here it is…my tip of the iceburg list of all the things that I did WRONG.
Trust me, this post would be way too long if I listed them all. Yelling, inconsistency, throwing a tomato (yes I did), not taking supplements, talking about it too much…Sigh. I’ll depress myself if I think about it. So here are three of our TOP mistakes.
Not Learning Together – Since at some point Ron did assume responsibility for his schoolwork, we took a pretty hands off approach to his education all through high school. My big regret, however, is that I didn’t keep up with what he was studying. (Maybe because I was too busy with the other boys…) I know that there were times he could have learned more if we had discussed what he was reading, or related what he learned in science or history to what we saw on the news. He has struggles now because he doesn’t know how to do things I could have taught him. I must add, however, that he resisted our every attempt to help. But that doesn’t keep me from feeling guilty about it…
Not Reading Aloud – If I had it to do over again, I’d read textbook chapters out loud to my boys. Not only does this help to ensure the material is read, it helps to gauge attention and understanding. Reading aloud also gives a chance to model how to preview and review. It offers opportunity to relate what is being read to experiences and knowledge unique to your family or child. When your child doesn’t understand a concept, reading aloud gives you the chance to rephrase and explain until the idea is mastered. And (see above!) it helps you to be aware of what your child is studying.
Not Getting 504’s Joe had a 504. Ron and Mike did not. We tried to get them one in high school, but the process was so complicated by then that we didn’t. Since we had great support from teachers, it didn’t change much. But it would have been nice if they would have had extra time on state tests, an accomodation they may have been allowed. In hindsight, we should have asked that they be given 504’s as soon as they were diagnosed. Our rationale then was that we wanted to avoid the label. In hindsight, it was a mistake. Read more about 504 plans.
And now we’re here. Our journey with ADHD is not finished. Our boys didn’t outgrow it, and will always have it. Then (hopefully!!) they’ll have their own children, and odds are that we’ll revisit the same path. Ten years in, I’m grateful for the help I’ve had along the way, the friends I’ve made.
I’m grateful to and humbled by you, the readers, for sticking with me through my ramblings and ranting, my hope and my despair. Thank you for sharing your stories, trading your hints, understanding each other’s frustrations.
And now – for all of us – here’s to the next ten!
PS I’m still new at this blogging thing, and should have asked you this yesterday. So – here’s your chance. Go back to yesterday’s post, scroll down to the comments and tell what you did right!
As promised, here’s part one of the lesson we’ve learned since our son was diagnosed with ADHD ten years ago.
Lowering Standards – I had to learn to ask one question over and over. “What’s more important?” What was more important, pristine rooms or an environment where I wasn’t stressed about it?* Straight A’s or kids who weren’t stressed (too much) about grades? Boy Scouts or three more unscheduled, laid back hours in a week? Legibility or learning? Over and over, I had to relax standards, lower expectations, and let go of preconceived notions. What was left were the essentials.
*I’m happy to say, that if you came in my house right now – it’s straight. The mess didn’t last long, because the boys grew up and moved away. And yes, there is a lesson in that!!
Learning How They Learned – Although I gained a lot from reading articles about learning styles, I never could pigeonhole any of our boys into one category. The boys seemed to morph from one day to the next. We eventually assembled an arsenal of learning devices – from whisper phones to flash cards to poems to mind maps to unique math methods to understand math. We learned over 100 ways to focus – as I share in our Focus, Pocus guide. I learned to get through a night of homework – usually without tears and with only minimal frustration.
Partnering with the School – First of all, we had a stellar run of teachers. For the most part, they loved our boys and bent over backwards to help them. I had to learn to be on their team – as teachers and as human beings. I made sure my contacts with them were mostly positive. I complimented them verbally and in writing – and shared those compliments with anyone who would listen, including principals and school board members. My husband and I got involved with the school, sending in food, working book fairs, serving on committees, and showing up for conferences. Constant communication was the key to all of this. Thank goodness for email during high school.
NOT Letting Go – At some point, we are supposed to let our kids become responsible for doing their own homework and studying. We let go of Ron in high school. He floundered and made so so grades, didn’t learn what he should have, and went to (and paid for) community college for two years before he got his act together. Joe and Mike would not have graduated from high school had we let go. So I stayed in charge. The teachers and I made sure the boys studied for tests, prepared projects, and did assignments. I tutored and proofread and retaught and learned everything they did. (Amo, amas, amat…) And they graduated, to strains of the Hallelujah Chorus, and now Joe is a Petty Officer in the Navy, and Mike is in his second year of college – still struggling, but making it.
(And now I have Ash, who just turned in a fifty page project that I never saw. And got an A on it. I’m so glad he was last. Can you imagine having that act to follow?! Plus, I’m still TIRED from the first three!)
Making Sacrifices – Anytime you write about sacrifices you run the risk of sounding sanctimonious and/or making others feel guilty for not doing what you have done. So I’m going to spare you what our sacrifices were/are. But let’s just say that there are times you may have to give up things, jobs, money, or time. You may have to waive your right to self expression, hold your temper in check, and bite your tongue. Your family may have to change habits, diets, or sleep patterns. You may lose friends and/or gain enemies. Just know that you are not alone, that this too will pass, and that your children are worth it!
Life Preparation – In the middle of ADHD, we – especially my husband – gave our boys some non-academic life training. Our guys can maintain a car, make sound financial decisions (no car debt for any of them – ever!), and ask a girl out. They know how to cook and clean and relate to small children. They can do their own laundry, schedule a doctor’s appointment, travel independently and bargain for a Christmas tree. They can argue and fight and ask for forgiveness, look someone in the eye and ask for a job. If we disappeared tomorrow, they would make it.
PS What did YOU do right?! Share it with us below!
This year marks the ten year anniversary of our first ADHD diagnosis. Before then, I thought ADHD referred to wild, undisciplined children who couldn’t be still or shut up mainly because they were hyped up on sugar and needed a firm hand. Joe was a calm, spacey child who had never (not even once) got his name on the board or been in any sort of trouble. Sure, he occasionally forgot to wear a shirt, couldn’t keep track of anything, and zoned out during class. And, yes, he was pretty annoyed at loud noises, had a terrible time getting a good night’s sleep, and approached learning in a strange way. But ADHD? Nah. I balked at his teacher’s suggestion that we have him evaluated.
I was so wrong on so many levels.
While I protested, and while Joe’s grades dropped, his teacher started making classwide modifications to help him (and his classmates) pay attention. She moved his desk so it was directly in front of hers. She provided study boxes that kids could use to limit their viewing areas. She began saying things like, “Five minutes have passed. Check to see what number you are on.” And she concentrated on making eye contact with Joe.
God bless this woman. She saved my child’s life. Had I continued just punishing Joe for his forgetfulness and poor grades…I shudder to think. But the success of her modifications and my discovery of a new term – ADHD Predominantly Inattentive Type – led to an evaluation, a diagnosis, a 504 plan, and the path toward success for our son. And then we realized that two more of our sons also were ADHD-I. And the scattered, distracted, disorganized parts of lives started to make more sense! (Although it still baffles me how that I – the queen of organization – could have spawned offspring so opposite of me.)
Really, we’ve been on this ADHD journey for 20 years or so, but this year marks the ten year anniversary of knowing what sort of map we needed to navigate the path. Monday, I’ll be sharing some of the good things we’ve learned along the way. And on Tuesday, I’ll share the bad! Watch for the posts.
PS For a preview, read Focus Pocus – 100 Ways to Help Your Child Pay Attention.
It’s always so encouraging when readers send in success stories. Here’s a great one*.
Our oldest, an eighteen year old boy, has matured so much in the last year. A little over a year ago, he wasn’t that connected to the youth group, hadn’t found his spot, he was at a deadend with school and gravatating to “friends” who were probably only good for providing him with self medicating products which we were watching extra closely. Then he lost his best friend, who died from an accident a year ago. Since then, we found (no – God led us to ), an amazing sports program that started out being for homeschool boys and ended up also including at risk kids as well. It is led by some of the most Godly men I’ve ever met – with a heart for seeing these young boys grow into Godly men. Our son joined a team for the first time in his life. He now attends their school and comes home, sits down to homework, gets up early to work on homework without me asking – a miracle in this house. He also tried out and joined the youth band as the drummer.
He found his spot. He’s been overseas on a mission’s trip, and is now interning at the church in the youth group over all youth events and worship activities with a college graduate who has become his mentor. This week he’s leading the band in an entire set of songs that not only glorify God but are a remembrance of his friend’s life…All that to say, as moms, as parents, we know God has a purpose for them and when it doesn’t follow the path and pattern that most seem to follow, it just makes us dig in a little deeper to help them find their way to success and their purpose because we know its there.
I’d love for you to add your success story in the comment section below. We all need an encouraging word now and then!
Visit our website at http://www.goaskmom.com.
*Note that the names and details are changed for the sake of privacy: