Archive for the ‘responsibility’ Category
One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to say, “I’m sorry.” It is interesting to me that dogs can convey remorse without words, but humans often can’t find the words to smooth over a problem that they created. Kids have a terrible time admitting they did wrong; for most adults, it’s even harder. One skill that we need to teach our children is how to ask for forgiveness. Here’s my formula:
Admit wrongdoing. Don’t make a child say “I’m sorry.” If she’s not sorry, you’re compounding her transgression by making her lie. An insincere, ‘Sorry’, doesn’t make anyone feel better, especially if it’s obvious to the person who was wronged. Instead, have her admit wrongdoing. Even if a child isn’t sorry, she knows what she did was unacceptable behavior. Have her acknowledge this: “Wearing your new blouse without permission was wrong.” Again – this is different from an apology.
If, however, the child is truly sorry, he can say so. And only the child knows if the heart is truly repentant. Here’s a hint to pass along – true repentance means that you aren’t proud of what you did, and you wouldn’t do it again if you had a chance to. If you brag to your friends, “I beat the snot out of him, and I’ll do it again if he messes with me!” then you’re not sorry.
Name the mistake. Have the child specify what she did wrong. Don’t let her get by with a vague acknowledgement. Have her verbalize the ‘crime’: “I should not have eaten your stash of Halloween candy.” Naming the sin makes it less likely to be repeated.
Ask for forgiveness. Finally, teach kids to ask for forgiveness. This is the easiest part for most kids. “Will you forgive me?”
Here are some examples taken from our own family:
“I should not have hit you in the head with the baseball bat. Will you forgive me?” We started practicing this formula early – when the guys were very, very young and did such things with frightening regularity. Thankfully, they’ve moved on to different crimes.
“I should not have eaten the last bowl of Lucky Charms when I knew you hadn’t had any. Will you forgive me?” Truly not sorry. Truly would do it again. Truly happened this week.
“I’m sorry I spilled milk on your science project. It was an accident. Will you forgive me?”
“Mom, I’m sorry I was so rude yesterday morning. Will you forgive me?”
And here is an example from yesterday. Two of our sons had a pretty heated disagreement. One was clearly in the wrong. After I talked to both of them individually, I overheard this conversation:
Child #1: I’m sorry (he really was) that I (transgression omitted in the interest of privacy.) Will you forgive me?
Child #2: Yes.
Child #1: Do you want me to hug you?
Child #2: That’s probably not a good idea. I just f-rted.
I had implored Child #2 to accept the apology graciously, without making Child #1 feel any worse. I declare he chose the perfect thing to say.
And the incident was over. The day was saved, and I knew my boys were on their way to learning to resolve the inevitable disagreements that arise in families.
The world would be a better place if we all would admit wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. Maybe we can change the world – one child at a time.
PS I read a great post today on conflict resolution at Ellen Braun’s site! Adds more insight and ideas. I responded to a particularly great comment.
After the post about Ron and his college homework, you’re probably ready for some positive hints on homework…and thanks to Alana Morales – here they are: Three Tips For Managing Homework Headaches!
In my neck of the woods (or desert, as it is), we are gearing up for the second quarter of school. This semester, I have experienced teacher battles, homework nightmares and medication debacles. All in all, a pretty normal school year for an ADHD family, wouldn’t you say?
One of the things that I have found myself doing is reevaluating my homework processes and making changes based on the day, the subject and the kids. A large part of the homework battle with ADHD kiddos is getting the homework home and then back to school. Part of this is finding out if they even have homework. As frustrating as this is, it is an essential skill to work on, because without the homework, there can be no grades. Here are some strategies that you can employ to make sure the homework makes it home:
1. From School To Home. – Use some sort of daily agenda. Have your student write down their class agenda and homework daily and if they have trouble doing this, ask the teacher to check it and initial off on it every day before your student leaves school. If they are having additional trouble with this step, ask the teacher if you can show up and write down the assignments for a few days or once a week and continue this until your student gets on track. (Kayla’s note: Check out the PAC-kit for this!)
- Make a homework folder. Sometimes homework gets lost in what I like to refer to as “The Abyss.” You may also know it by it’s more common name – the backpack. If your student has some organizational issues, make them a homework folder. Then, ANY work that is to come home can be put in this folder. My recommendation is to make the folder as difficult as possible to lose – make it a bright color or even a character folder. And plan on having several backups for the inevitable time it gets lost, ripped or otherwise unusable.
- Pick a study buddy. This is a person in the class who is responsible and can be called on the phone if your student ever misses an assignment or has a question about an activity.
2. At Home. – Make sure you have a designated homework area with supplies. After battling over spelling words or math problems, the last thing you want to do is have a kid lose their motivation just because you lack the proper materials.
- Schedule breaks. It’s tough to stay on task after trying to stay on task all day. Set a timer and let your kiddo take a break eveyrtime it goes off, provided they are working effectively while it is ticking away.
- Offer incentives. Offer some incentive based on their homework performance. Give Nerds, Smarties, or Sweet Tarts for each math problem completed or spelling word written correctly. It really helps with the immediate gratification issue.
3. Getting the Homework Back To School. Yes, kids need to be responsible, but let’s face it, our little darlings need a little more support in these areas.
- Make sure when an assignment is done, it immediately goes into the homework folder. Not on the table. Not on top of the backpack. In the folder. Trust me on this one.
- Use the agenda. Ask the teacher to sign the agenda to show that the nightly homework was turned in. It may seem like a lot of checks and balances, but until ADHD kids can use these skills consistently, it’s a good idea to make it as difficult as possible for them to forget.
Using these tips may seem like a lot of work and they are. But, in the end, if your student is able to get better grades, be less frustrated and build more self confidence, isn’t that worth the extra work?
———-Alana Morales is the author of Domestically Challenged: A Working Mom’s Survival Guide to Becoming a Stay at Home Mom. You can learn more about her at www.AlanaMorales.com. You can also follow her on Twitter at www.Twitter.com/alanamorales for mom and ADHD tips.
PS If you’ve not read Waking Up from the Homework Nightmare, you really owe it to yourself to grab a copy before your next homework nightmare begins!
We have another great hint on getting kids to do chores from Molly Donnelly, who graciously gave me permission to include her name and her method!
For my kids I have printed out and laminated cleaning cards for each chore. If they have to do the bathroom, they take the card and it lists for them step-by-step instructions so nothing gets forgotten-spray the sinks, toilet and shower with cleaner, wipe down shower and rinse, clean the inside of the bowl and wipe down the outside and floor around it, wipe down the sink and counter, use a clean cloth to dry the sink and counter, wipe down the mirror, use another clean cloth to dry it, mop the floor last. They can check off the instructions with dry erase markers as they go. I have included cards for their bedrooms, vacuuming and mopping floors and dusting rooms. (Don’t forget the moldings and picture frames!) It works for us!
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A reader sent this in last newsletter. It makes me want to go do chores with her!
I wanted to throw something out there for working moms who feel like they’re always picking up “everyday clutter” constantly, and have a hard time staying organized and caught up.
I have two children, ages 8 and 14, with ADD (one inattentive, one hyperactive). I have found that when I say, “clean your room, and help pick up the house”, I don’t always get a good response, at least not to my satisfaction. Being a working mom, I have had to let go of having the show-room look, but I do like to keep things picked up. So, about once a week, after dinner, I say, “alright, everyone … it’s time to play WHAT’S NEXT?!” At first I get groans, and sighs, but they get into the “game” pretty quickly. Here’s what we do. We start at one end of the house, and I literally hand out commands, left and right, such as “Go empty this trash can, and bring back a new trash bag with it”, “Grab the broom for me”, “go put the Rainbow vacuum together for me, including water in the bowl”, “take this laundry to the laundry room”, “go put this hairbrush in the bathroom drawer (not sure why it’s in the middle of the living room)”, “pick up all the little air-soft gun BB’s in this room”, etc.
While they’re “gone”, I wipe down cabinets and mirrors, vacuum that room, dust, etc. , always looking for what they can do as soon as they get back, sometimes looking into the next room, so that no time is wasted. The goal is for them to run do the task, and come back and say, “WHAT NEXT!?” Of course, it turns into a contest for who can run do their task, and make it back before the other one.
It turns into a lot of fun, and the whole house gets clean, except for the mopping and laundry, which I’m glad to do, since my whole house just got a good basic cleaning in less than an hour or so. Oh yes, and each time, I add “wipe down the base boards”, “dust the blinds”, and/or “dust the ceiling fans” (well, I do this last one) on just one room in the house, so that all of these things get a once-over every few weeks. They also get the benefit of having help with the basics of their own room (especially the 8-year-old), since we’re all working together, helping each other. For anyone with more than one child, anyway, this is a great way to get a lot done, very quickly, without having to spend a whole weekend cleaning.
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In a recent post, I listed five reasons that is important for us to make sure our kids do chores. You can read the list on the ADHD-Inattentive blog. But just how do we assign chores that our kids can – and will – do? Here’s your chore list:
It’s important to match the chore to the child. When you assign chores, take your child’s age, ability and personality into account. From the moment they are out of the high chair, a child can ‘dump their plate’ and put it in the sink. I have sweet memories of our little ones reaching over their heads to lob their dishes (plastic, of course) into the water. A two year old can sort and put away silverware, feed the dog (dry food) and put produce into the appropriate drawers in the refrigerator. They can also put toys where they belong – if you have assigned spots for each. A five year old can fold towels, set the table, water the dog, sweep the floor, dust, and make a bed. Most ten year olds can iron their own clothes, cook a simple meal, take the recycling bin to the street, and mop. By the time kids are twelve, there isn’t a whole lot they can’t do around the house – except drive the car!
Despite the above guidelines, some kids aren’t ready to do some chores. If you give a child a chore and they are genuinely overwhelmed with the skill involved, then assign something else. Our last son Ash, for example, has always been a whiz at cleaning out the cabinet that holds all the plastic containers and their lids. Our second son, however, was truly clueless on any of the organizational principles involved. Don’t be fooled, however. Kids can be real masters at feigning inability and ignorance.
Try not to give your child too many chores that they absolutely hate. I, for example, hate to mop. (I’ve mentioned this before…) Were I a child, I would not assign myself mopping as a daily chore. If your child likes to be outside, give her more outdoor jobs. And if your son likes to be in the kitchen, give him responsibilities there.
Give specific instructions. Your child – especially if they are ADHD – needs for you to explain exactly what you expect for them to accomplish. Don’t just say, “Clear off the table.” Give step by step instructions, and you may want to write them down and post them:
1. Fill up the sink with water, and put all the silverware in the bottom.
2. Put lids back on all the containers like milk and ketchup and put them away. (NOT in the medicine cabinet, please.)
3. Use napkins and wipe the extra food on the plates into the trash or compost, then put the plates into the sink.
4. Put away everything else. The salt and pepper shakers and the napkin holder stay on the table. You don’t put them away.
5. Use a wet rag and wipe off the table. Pick up the salt and pepper shakers and napkin holder and wipe under them.
6. Push the chairs under the table.
Keep reminding for momentum. For long chores (you know, the ones more than 2 minutes!), your child might lose focus. Reminders are often necessary. You can give verbal reminders (sometimes known as nagging), flash lights, or set off a timer to ding at regular intervals. Our boys used to fight over the Triple Tell Timer. (We have a whole page of recommended timers and reminders here.) Another option is to put on a song, and tell your child the end of the song is her cue to get back on track. We’ve also tried giving rewards for finishing a chore within a certain amount of time.
Do a quality check. This is the downfall of many a chore. Don’t expect perfection, but do expect your child to have done their very best. And if they haven’t, make them do it over (and maybe over again – and again). They will be very offended as you point out their mistakes. Don’t cave.
Recognize a job well done. Whether you offer verbal praise, a financial reward, or an hour of television or gaming – thank your child for their help, and affirm their efforts.
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Yesterday, one of our sons was late to work. He neglected to follow the advice – no, the law – I have given him and his brothers from the time they were in Kindergarten. “Get your stuff out the night before.” My son waited until one hour before he was supposed to start waiting tables to look for his work shirt. When he found it, it was in the bottom of the laundry with ink stains, and had to be washed, dried and ironed. He was highly frustrated, but had the grace to tell me, “It’s not your problem.”
He’s darn tootin’ it wasn’t my problem. I have told them until I’m blue in the face. Get out your socks, your shoes, your shin guards, your index cards, your lunch money, your underwear and for Heaven’s sake your Pomodoros Italian Restaurant work shirt the night before! If you do, we’ll all work together to find whatever is missing, dirty, or yet unpurchased. If you wait until the morning – well, “It’s not my problem.” My boys have gone to school without coats, missing projects, wearing dirty socks and/or borrowed underwear, simply because they didn’t plan the night before. I’m not trying to be unmerciful.* I’m just trying to get my boys prepared for life. So that maybe, just maybe, when they grow up, they wont’ be late to work because their uniform is dirty. Or, maybe not.
But at least I can say, “It’s not my problem.” And then wallow in mounds of guilt, while still knowing I’m teaching a life lesson by not being a helicopter parent…
*Disclaimer: Actually, being unmerciful doesn’t require effort on my part, I’m sorry to say. My boys have accused me of having the gift of no mercy. So I am happy to report that I did participate in the discovery and cleaning of the errant shirt. Or my son would have been a whole lot later than he already was. I get a nice mommy award.
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