Archive for the ‘social skills’ Category
When we think about ADHD, we often focus (no pun intended – promise) on the attention issue. But I’ve often addressed the fact that attention is just the first of the challenges our kids face. Often their struggles include social issues. They may be too shy,too forward, too quirky, too active, too – whatever. But the fact remains that they end up on the sidelines, the last chosen for a sport, the uninvited guest to the party. It’s so hard somtimes for our kids to make friends.
Many of us have been in their shoes. You yourself may know what it’s like to be a
painfully shy child or teen. You may know exactly what it’s like to be yourself, and
to have no one want to connect. But who wants to wait years for their child to “grow
out” of it?
Ellen Braun (you may know her from The Animal School) tackles the whole spectrum of childhood social issues – from kindergarten to teen -
in her new ebook, “From Awkward Solitude to Blessed Friendship”, which you can find
right now at www.helpyourchildmakefriends.com/
Her unique perspective will take you from `simple’ shyness to more specialized problems – like ADHD. It will help defuse the fear of facing childhood issues and show you how to help your child solve his problem without anxiety… or quickly determine
the right `next step’ to take.
It provides you with:
• All the expert advice in one place
• Ideas and strategies suited to almost every cause and situation
• Step-by-step instructions to simplify the process
• Concepts that target various types of personalities
If social anxiety or shyness is something your child is struggling with right now –
whether they’re just starting kindergarten or well into their teens – this might be
exactly the resource you both need today! Don’t let your child suffer one more
minute of social anxiety. Download and check it out right now at www.helpyourchildmakefriends.com/
PS By the way, if you’ve not seen it – or even if you have – take a look at Ellen’s wonderful video “Animal School” at www.raisingsmallsouls.com/.
One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to say, “I’m sorry.” It is interesting to me that dogs can convey remorse without words, but humans often can’t find the words to smooth over a problem that they created. Kids have a terrible time admitting they did wrong; for most adults, it’s even harder. One skill that we need to teach our children is how to ask for forgiveness. Here’s my formula:
Admit wrongdoing. Don’t make a child say “I’m sorry.” If she’s not sorry, you’re compounding her transgression by making her lie. An insincere, ‘Sorry’, doesn’t make anyone feel better, especially if it’s obvious to the person who was wronged. Instead, have her admit wrongdoing. Even if a child isn’t sorry, she knows what she did was unacceptable behavior. Have her acknowledge this: “Wearing your new blouse without permission was wrong.” Again – this is different from an apology.
If, however, the child is truly sorry, he can say so. And only the child knows if the heart is truly repentant. Here’s a hint to pass along – true repentance means that you aren’t proud of what you did, and you wouldn’t do it again if you had a chance to. If you brag to your friends, “I beat the snot out of him, and I’ll do it again if he messes with me!” then you’re not sorry.
Name the mistake. Have the child specify what she did wrong. Don’t let her get by with a vague acknowledgement. Have her verbalize the ‘crime’: “I should not have eaten your stash of Halloween candy.” Naming the sin makes it less likely to be repeated.
Ask for forgiveness. Finally, teach kids to ask for forgiveness. This is the easiest part for most kids. “Will you forgive me?”
Here are some examples taken from our own family:
“I should not have hit you in the head with the baseball bat. Will you forgive me?” We started practicing this formula early – when the guys were very, very young and did such things with frightening regularity. Thankfully, they’ve moved on to different crimes.
“I should not have eaten the last bowl of Lucky Charms when I knew you hadn’t had any. Will you forgive me?” Truly not sorry. Truly would do it again. Truly happened this week.
“I’m sorry I spilled milk on your science project. It was an accident. Will you forgive me?”
“Mom, I’m sorry I was so rude yesterday morning. Will you forgive me?”
And here is an example from yesterday. Two of our sons had a pretty heated disagreement. One was clearly in the wrong. After I talked to both of them individually, I overheard this conversation:
Child #1: I’m sorry (he really was) that I (transgression omitted in the interest of privacy.) Will you forgive me?
Child #2: Yes.
Child #1: Do you want me to hug you?
Child #2: That’s probably not a good idea. I just f-rted.
I had implored Child #2 to accept the apology graciously, without making Child #1 feel any worse. I declare he chose the perfect thing to say.
And the incident was over. The day was saved, and I knew my boys were on their way to learning to resolve the inevitable disagreements that arise in families.
The world would be a better place if we all would admit wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. Maybe we can change the world – one child at a time.
PS I read a great post today on conflict resolution at Ellen Braun’s site! Adds more insight and ideas. I responded to a particularly great comment.
We’ve reached the point in our lives where our kids finally truly enjoy giving as well as receiving gifts. This year, we were relieved that this even applied to our son Joe. His ship had been on a training mission, and we weren’t sure when he would come home for Christmas.
But one night, just as we sat down to eat stuffed grape leaves, Joe walked in the door. “I would have been here earlier, but I had to go Christmas shopping.” He was beside himself with excitement. He had bought for everyone – including my parents. He took Ron aside and told him what he got his dad and me. Then he and Ash brought the present inside through the living room window so we wouldn’t see it. It wasn’t that big, but it was just so much more fun that way. Then they wrapped it. In paper Joe had the forethought to buy!
To some, little things like this aren’t a big deal. But to me, who despaired that this child would ever buy anyone a gift without being nagged – it’s a huge, wonderful step that shows that he is truly growing up.
So, what was in the gift? A large George Foreman grill and (more evidence of thought and foresight) oven cleaner to clean it with. And, so my others won’t feel slighted, I also got a copy of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, a Paula Deen utensil set, a very warm fleece blanket (Ron knows me well…), the game Apples to Apples, a MASSAGE (I’ve never had a professional massage!), and last, but not least – a box of Whitman’s sampler!
Made out like a bandit, yes I did. I’m liking this reversal of roles – maybe a little too much. Of course, I also have enjoyed looking at all the handmade ornaments that are on our tree from when the boys were little. I miss those sweet gifts – and those sweet little boys.
I know I’m not the only one who got great gifts from the kids. What did your kids get/make/do for you?
PS Happy New Year!
Some children are born social butterflies. They attract friends, know what to say in any situation, have an uncanny sense of style, and always land on their feet. Then there are my kids – and maybe yours. Here are some tips on helping your child succeed in the study of all things social.
Help your child learn to make friends. Although we feel that friendships should happen naturally, finding friends is a skill that can be taught. There is a wealth of information available on this subject. A great source is the online ADDitude Magazine, which has a whole section on Friendships and Social Life. Surf around for some great stories and advice. My favorite book on the subject remains Good Friends Are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make and Keep Friends. It’s got very practical advice and step by step instructions on forming friendships.
Make sure your child’s clothes are in style. A couple of years ago we went to Washington DC , and school groups were everywhere. We stood in line at the National Archives in front of a relatively well behaved group of middle schoolers. As we waited (and waited), I noticed a family approaching, a mom, dad, and a middle school young man. Bless his heart, that poor child had on the most horrible, out of style clothes I think I have ever seen. His too short pants were tightly belted ABOVE his waist, his shirt was buttoned up and had a terrible pattern on it. He wore black tennis shoes like my grandmother used to wear. Worse, though, was his demeanor. He held his head down, and had a haunted ‘who’s going to laugh at me next?’ look on his face. I braced myself as he passed the group of middle schoolers, but they thankfully didn’t make a scene.
This child’s clothing made him a target. Now, I know that we’re supposed to teach our children that looks aren’t everything, that it’s what on the inside that counts, that you can’t judge a book by its cover. I also know that most of us don’t allow our boys out of the house in pants that sag under their bottoms, or our girls to show 9 inches of their stomach. Why? It’s because of what people will think, and what they might DO or say. Face it. It DOES matter what our kids wear.
You may be like me – fashion challenged yourself. I take a friend with me shopping. When I’m buying stuff for my boys, I sometimes ask the cute little shop girl, “Is this an okay shirt?” I’ve sent my boys with money and a fashion and finance conscious adult, and instructions to “Hit the clearance racks first.” I’ve bought lots of clothing on Ebay. (Sometimes people sell an entire wardrobe for CHEAP – so YOU don’t have to think about fashion or matching!) I copy mannequins, too. And believe it or not, I sometimes watch, “What Not To Wear”.
If our kids are already socially uneasy, we owe it to them to help them dress so that they aren’t lightning rods for ridicule. When kids make fun, our kids feel more insecure, which lowers their confidence, which makes them more likely to be teased. It’s a sink hole. I’m not talking about outfitting junior in the latest fads or brand names. (I’m WAY to cheap for that.) But we need to have our children in passably ‘normal’ clothing. I’m not much on clothesline preaching, but I’m pounding the pulpit on this one.
Teach your child some manners! What do you say when you meet someone for the first time? How do you introduce a friend to a parent, or a parent to a teacher? How do you say thank you after a visit? How do you say thank you for a gift you don’t like?! What do you say when you’re inviting someone to a party? How do you ask for someone on the phone? These are important lessons for our kids, and you may need to practice them.
Role play, for example, meeting the teacher. “Hello, Mrs. Anders. I’m Mrs. Smith, and this is my son Ryan.” “Hello, Ryan.” Teach Ryan to look the teacher directly in her eye and say, “Hello, how are you?” If you want him to shake hands, let him practice. We’ve practiced the whole routine of being presented a certificate by an adult. “As you approach the presenter, reach out with your right hand to shake hands. Take the award in your left hand and say thank you.” Instruction and practice give your child confidence in such situations.
Need help? You’re not alone! I told the story last spring about a meal Ash and I shared with two very ‘cultured’ friends of mine. Although my friends were gracious enough to ignore the fact, Ash demonstrated that he had no table manners. He chewed with his mouth closed and didn’t burp or scratch, but that was about it. He reached across the table for bread, complained about what he was served, made nervous conversation… It was our fault; as he was the last child, my husband and I had never really paid much attention to his ‘company’ manners.
We’ve set out to change that. I bought a book for the boys called, Stand Up, Shake Hands, Say How Do You Do: What Boys Need to Know About Today’s Manners. It’s okay, and teaches some really good points, but it’s dated. I’m getting ready to buy two more, hoping to cover all our bases. The first one, Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teenagers will be useful when my boys launch themselves into society. It’s pretty high brow, but I learned the hard way that there are occasions when our boys need the “know how of high brow”. The second one, How Rude!: The Teenagers’ Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out, is an irreverent guide to manners, which my guys will enjoy, I’m sure. One caution on this book is its casual approach to teenage sex.
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