Archive for January, 2010
After I posted ADHD – What We Did Right yesterday, it showed up on my Facebook page. I got the most glowing comments – all of which would have gone to my head had I not know that – today was coming. So here it is…my tip of the iceburg list of all the things that I did WRONG.
Trust me, this post would be way too long if I listed them all. Yelling, inconsistency, throwing a tomato (yes I did), not taking supplements, talking about it too much…Sigh. I’ll depress myself if I think about it. So here are three of our TOP mistakes.
Not Learning Together – Since at some point Ron did assume responsibility for his schoolwork, we took a pretty hands off approach to his education all through high school. My big regret, however, is that I didn’t keep up with what he was studying. (Maybe because I was too busy with the other boys…) I know that there were times he could have learned more if we had discussed what he was reading, or related what he learned in science or history to what we saw on the news. He has struggles now because he doesn’t know how to do things I could have taught him. I must add, however, that he resisted our every attempt to help. But that doesn’t keep me from feeling guilty about it…
Not Reading Aloud – If I had it to do over again, I’d read textbook chapters out loud to my boys. Not only does this help to ensure the material is read, it helps to gauge attention and understanding. Reading aloud also gives a chance to model how to preview and review. It offers opportunity to relate what is being read to experiences and knowledge unique to your family or child. When your child doesn’t understand a concept, reading aloud gives you the chance to rephrase and explain until the idea is mastered. And (see above!) it helps you to be aware of what your child is studying.
Not Getting 504′s Joe had a 504. Ron and Mike did not. We tried to get them one in high school, but the process was so complicated by then that we didn’t. Since we had great support from teachers, it didn’t change much. But it would have been nice if they would have had extra time on state tests, an accomodation they may have been allowed. In hindsight, we should have asked that they be given 504′s as soon as they were diagnosed. Our rationale then was that we wanted to avoid the label. In hindsight, it was a mistake. Read more about 504 plans.
And now we’re here. Our journey with ADHD is not finished. Our boys didn’t outgrow it, and will always have it. Then (hopefully!!) they’ll have their own children, and odds are that we’ll revisit the same path. Ten years in, I’m grateful for the help I’ve had along the way, the friends I’ve made.
I’m grateful to and humbled by you, the readers, for sticking with me through my ramblings and ranting, my hope and my despair. Thank you for sharing your stories, trading your hints, understanding each other’s frustrations.
And now – for all of us – here’s to the next ten!
PS I’m still new at this blogging thing, and should have asked you this yesterday. So – here’s your chance. Go back to yesterday’s post, scroll down to the comments and tell what you did right!
As promised, here’s part one of the lesson we’ve learned since our son was diagnosed with ADHD ten years ago.
Lowering Standards – I had to learn to ask one question over and over. “What’s more important?” What was more important, pristine rooms or an environment where I wasn’t stressed about it?* Straight A’s or kids who weren’t stressed (too much) about grades? Boy Scouts or three more unscheduled, laid back hours in a week? Legibility or learning? Over and over, I had to relax standards, lower expectations, and let go of preconceived notions. What was left were the essentials.
*I’m happy to say, that if you came in my house right now – it’s straight. The mess didn’t last long, because the boys grew up and moved away. And yes, there is a lesson in that!!
Learning How They Learned – Although I gained a lot from reading articles about learning styles, I never could pigeonhole any of our boys into one category. The boys seemed to morph from one day to the next. We eventually assembled an arsenal of learning devices – from whisper phones to flash cards to poems to mind maps to unique math methods to understand math. We learned over 100 ways to focus – as I share in our Focus, Pocus guide. I learned to get through a night of homework – usually without tears and with only minimal frustration.
Partnering with the School – First of all, we had a stellar run of teachers. For the most part, they loved our boys and bent over backwards to help them. I had to learn to be on their team – as teachers and as human beings. I made sure my contacts with them were mostly positive. I complimented them verbally and in writing – and shared those compliments with anyone who would listen, including principals and school board members. My husband and I got involved with the school, sending in food, working book fairs, serving on committees, and showing up for conferences. Constant communication was the key to all of this. Thank goodness for email during high school.
NOT Letting Go – At some point, we are supposed to let our kids become responsible for doing their own homework and studying. We let go of Ron in high school. He floundered and made so so grades, didn’t learn what he should have, and went to (and paid for) community college for two years before he got his act together. Joe and Mike would not have graduated from high school had we let go. So I stayed in charge. The teachers and I made sure the boys studied for tests, prepared projects, and did assignments. I tutored and proofread and retaught and learned everything they did. (Amo, amas, amat…) And they graduated, to strains of the Hallelujah Chorus, and now Joe is a Petty Officer in the Navy, and Mike is in his second year of college – still struggling, but making it.
(And now I have Ash, who just turned in a fifty page project that I never saw. And got an A on it. I’m so glad he was last. Can you imagine having that act to follow?! Plus, I’m still TIRED from the first three!)
Making Sacrifices – Anytime you write about sacrifices you run the risk of sounding sanctimonious and/or making others feel guilty for not doing what you have done. So I’m going to spare you what our sacrifices were/are. But let’s just say that there are times you may have to give up things, jobs, money, or time. You may have to waive your right to self expression, hold your temper in check, and bite your tongue. Your family may have to change habits, diets, or sleep patterns. You may lose friends and/or gain enemies. Just know that you are not alone, that this too will pass, and that your children are worth it!
Life Preparation – In the middle of ADHD, we – especially my husband – gave our boys some non-academic life training. Our guys can maintain a car, make sound financial decisions (no car debt for any of them – ever!), and ask a girl out. They know how to cook and clean and relate to small children. They can do their own laundry, schedule a doctor’s appointment, travel independently and bargain for a Christmas tree. They can argue and fight and ask for forgiveness, look someone in the eye and ask for a job. If we disappeared tomorrow, they would make it.
PS What did YOU do right?! Share it with us below!
This year marks the ten year anniversary of our first ADHD diagnosis. Before then, I thought ADHD referred to wild, undisciplined children who couldn’t be still or shut up mainly because they were hyped up on sugar and needed a firm hand. Joe was a calm, spacey child who had never (not even once) got his name on the board or been in any sort of trouble. Sure, he occasionally forgot to wear a shirt, couldn’t keep track of anything, and zoned out during class. And, yes, he was pretty annoyed at loud noises, had a terrible time getting a good night’s sleep, and approached learning in a strange way. But ADHD? Nah. I balked at his teacher’s suggestion that we have him evaluated.
I was so wrong on so many levels.
While I protested, and while Joe’s grades dropped, his teacher started making classwide modifications to help him (and his classmates) pay attention. She moved his desk so it was directly in front of hers. She provided study boxes that kids could use to limit their viewing areas. She began saying things like, “Five minutes have passed. Check to see what number you are on.” And she concentrated on making eye contact with Joe.
God bless this woman. She saved my child’s life. Had I continued just punishing Joe for his forgetfulness and poor grades…I shudder to think. But the success of her modifications and my discovery of a new term – ADHD Predominantly Inattentive Type – led to an evaluation, a diagnosis, a 504 plan, and the path toward success for our son. And then we realized that two more of our sons also were ADHD-I. And the scattered, distracted, disorganized parts of lives started to make more sense! (Although it still baffles me how that I – the queen of organization – could have spawned offspring so opposite of me.)
Really, we’ve been on this ADHD journey for 20 years or so, but this year marks the ten year anniversary of knowing what sort of map we needed to navigate the path. Monday, I’ll be sharing some of the good things we’ve learned along the way. And on Tuesday, I’ll share the bad! Watch for the posts.
PS For a preview, read Focus Pocus – 100 Ways to Help Your Child Pay Attention.
When we think about ADHD, we often focus (no pun intended – promise) on the attention issue. But I’ve often addressed the fact that attention is just the first of the challenges our kids face. Often their struggles include social issues. They may be too shy,too forward, too quirky, too active, too – whatever. But the fact remains that they end up on the sidelines, the last chosen for a sport, the uninvited guest to the party. It’s so hard somtimes for our kids to make friends.
Many of us have been in their shoes. You yourself may know what it’s like to be a
painfully shy child or teen. You may know exactly what it’s like to be yourself, and
to have no one want to connect. But who wants to wait years for their child to “grow
out” of it?
Ellen Braun (you may know her from The Animal School) tackles the whole spectrum of childhood social issues – from kindergarten to teen -
in her new ebook, “From Awkward Solitude to Blessed Friendship”, which you can find
right now at www.helpyourchildmakefriends.com/
Her unique perspective will take you from `simple’ shyness to more specialized problems – like ADHD. It will help defuse the fear of facing childhood issues and show you how to help your child solve his problem without anxiety… or quickly determine
the right `next step’ to take.
It provides you with:
• All the expert advice in one place
• Ideas and strategies suited to almost every cause and situation
• Step-by-step instructions to simplify the process
• Concepts that target various types of personalities
If social anxiety or shyness is something your child is struggling with right now –
whether they’re just starting kindergarten or well into their teens – this might be
exactly the resource you both need today! Don’t let your child suffer one more
minute of social anxiety. Download and check it out right now at www.helpyourchildmakefriends.com/
PS By the way, if you’ve not seen it – or even if you have – take a look at Ellen’s wonderful video “Animal School” at www.raisingsmallsouls.com/.
One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to say, “I’m sorry.” It is interesting to me that dogs can convey remorse without words, but humans often can’t find the words to smooth over a problem that they created. Kids have a terrible time admitting they did wrong; for most adults, it’s even harder. One skill that we need to teach our children is how to ask for forgiveness. Here’s my formula:
Admit wrongdoing. Don’t make a child say “I’m sorry.” If she’s not sorry, you’re compounding her transgression by making her lie. An insincere, ‘Sorry’, doesn’t make anyone feel better, especially if it’s obvious to the person who was wronged. Instead, have her admit wrongdoing. Even if a child isn’t sorry, she knows what she did was unacceptable behavior. Have her acknowledge this: “Wearing your new blouse without permission was wrong.” Again – this is different from an apology.
If, however, the child is truly sorry, he can say so. And only the child knows if the heart is truly repentant. Here’s a hint to pass along – true repentance means that you aren’t proud of what you did, and you wouldn’t do it again if you had a chance to. If you brag to your friends, “I beat the snot out of him, and I’ll do it again if he messes with me!” then you’re not sorry.
Name the mistake. Have the child specify what she did wrong. Don’t let her get by with a vague acknowledgement. Have her verbalize the ‘crime’: “I should not have eaten your stash of Halloween candy.” Naming the sin makes it less likely to be repeated.
Ask for forgiveness. Finally, teach kids to ask for forgiveness. This is the easiest part for most kids. “Will you forgive me?”
Here are some examples taken from our own family:
“I should not have hit you in the head with the baseball bat. Will you forgive me?” We started practicing this formula early – when the guys were very, very young and did such things with frightening regularity. Thankfully, they’ve moved on to different crimes.
“I should not have eaten the last bowl of Lucky Charms when I knew you hadn’t had any. Will you forgive me?” Truly not sorry. Truly would do it again. Truly happened this week.
“I’m sorry I spilled milk on your science project. It was an accident. Will you forgive me?”
“Mom, I’m sorry I was so rude yesterday morning. Will you forgive me?”
And here is an example from yesterday. Two of our sons had a pretty heated disagreement. One was clearly in the wrong. After I talked to both of them individually, I overheard this conversation:
Child #1: I’m sorry (he really was) that I (transgression omitted in the interest of privacy.) Will you forgive me?
Child #2: Yes.
Child #1: Do you want me to hug you?
Child #2: That’s probably not a good idea. I just f-rted.
I had implored Child #2 to accept the apology graciously, without making Child #1 feel any worse. I declare he chose the perfect thing to say.
And the incident was over. The day was saved, and I knew my boys were on their way to learning to resolve the inevitable disagreements that arise in families.
The world would be a better place if we all would admit wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. Maybe we can change the world – one child at a time.
PS I read a great post today on conflict resolution at Ellen Braun’s site! Adds more insight and ideas. I responded to a particularly great comment.
Wii for ADHD?
And yes, as I mentioned in the newsletter, part of me remains skeptical, probably because my boys will STILL hyperfocus on video games and do nothing else for hours.
So you’ve made a resolution, and this year you’re getting rid of clutter! You’re going to eliminate the clutter! ADHD kids crave order, even if they don’t act like it. If your home is in disarray, your children can’t focus. If you haven’t already, make it your New Year’s resolution to clear a path – and clear the clutter!
There are several great online products to help you de-clutter and organize your stuff. 
One of my favorite resources is Fly Lady. She’ll nag via email, and help you organize your life step by step – with no charge – including getting rid of clutter!
Another unique approach to decluttering is The Ultimate Guide to Getting Rid of Clutter for Adults with ADD. It promises to get rid of your clutter once and for all with a simple, three-step process!
If you’re looking for a more immediate solution, try
Clear Your Clutter, Clear Your Mind. Personal Organization Made Easy. It gets you on a fast track – blitzing you to organization.
I really like DeClutter Fast – Get Your Home In Order!. It’s a quick read, and offers an ‘off the beaten path’ approach to de-cluttering.
One more resource that bears mentioning is Finally Organized Finally Free. It’s a long manual, full of rich ideas that are best used by the non-ADHD individual. Look over to the right side of the page for two other fabulous resources: Finally Organized, Finally Free for the Office, and the best way to keep up with your paperwork: Get Organized Now!™ Easy Organizer.
So – what are you waiting for? Time’s a wasting. Start getting rid of clutter now!
PS Find out how to organize an ADHD child!
When Ron was in his second year of college, he signed up for his first 8:00 class. This was a huge deal for him, as he has always been a chronic oversleeper. Lots of ADHD kids are. Nevertheless, I quit waking him up while he was in high school; when he oversleeps, it’s his problem. (He has walked the four miles to school.)
At the beginning of college, Ron simply scheduled later classes. But one semester a class he really wanted to take was only offered at 8:00. So he signed up. To make sure he wakes up, he has set THREE alarm clocks and his cell phone. He also has asked my husband to check on him and see if he’s up. (Wonder why he didn’t ask me?!)
One of Ron’s alarm clocks was EXTRA LOUD, as is the clock pictured at the right. These loud alarms make great clocks for ADHD, and may go a long way toward helping your ADHD child become responsible for getting up on his or her own. Get you a clock for ADHD here.
PS For during the day, check out our page of ADHD timers.
The New Year has always been a time to reflect on the past, and look forward to the future. The name “January” actually comes from the name of the Roman god Janus, who has two faces for standing at the threshold and looking backwards and forwards in time.
Take a minute and look back on your year with your kids. Start with the accomplishments they have made – big and small. Think about:
Academics (made it to regionals on her science project)
Organization (kept up with his bookbag the entire year)
Personal responsibility (remembered to feed the dog without being nagged too often)
Interpersonal relationships (often overheard him complimenting his little brother)
Physical changes (lost three teeth)
Spiritual growth (saw faith in action when she was kind when it was really hard)
Attitude (it really is a decision…)
Now look forward, and let your child go through the list and set some goals for the next year. Keep these things in mind:
Make sure the goals are realistic. If your child isn’t innately organized, steer him away from promising to keep his bookbag pristinely neat. Instead, purpose to clean out the bookbag each Sunday night.
State the goals as encouragement – and not criticisms couched as goals. Just imagine your sister-in-law telling you, “Why don’t you set a goal to keep a cleaner car?”
Let the goals come from your child’s desire for self improvement, and not the other way around. You’ve heard it said many times that you can’t change to please others, but only for yourself. Your child is the same. Be sensitive to the areas in which she would like to grow, and help her set her sights on these things.
While the goals don’t have to be measurable, determine how you’ll know the goal has been met. If your child’s goal is improving in spelling, you can measure it by grades. If, however, the resolution is to improve her attitude about chores, decide on a way that you’ll know she’s making progress.
Write down the goal. Put it on the calendar, in a notebook, or save it on your computer. You’ll want to come back next year and measure your child’s growth and progress.
Make the goal your own. Help your child meet their goals. Don’t (okay – TRY not to) nag, and don’t do it for them. But guide your child toward success. Because success breeds success. And may next January see you both looking back on progress and forward to even more growth!
PS After you finish with your child’s goals, set some for yourself. Do you want to be more organized? Lose weight? Get out of debt? Have more patience? Read the Bible through? Floss every day? Set your goals, act as a model for your kids – and have a Happy New Year!