As a parent, you may find that you often return to the role of the take-no-prisoners manners police: “Don’t talk with your mouth full….Take your baseball cap off…Hold the door open,” etc., etc.

The good news is that most teens behave better for someone else – anyone else – other than parents. The bad news is you probably see the worst of your teen’s behavior. (e.g. “Tell me you didn’t just drink milk straight out of the carton. We have an entire shelf of clean glasses, you know.”)

Knowing the right thing to do helps every teen, but especially an ADHD-inattentive teen who may impulsively act without considering consequences. Having a foundation of good manners not only makes him more pleasant to be around, it also puts your teen at ease in a host of unfamiliar situations.

Seizing a Teachable Moment

Realize that teens are very practical, and don’t wear yourself out answering the snide “Why” questions. When certain situations present themselves, you may have an excellent launching pad for a manners lesson.

A good case in point is when Kayla’s Mike was asked to serve as escort for his aunt during a family funeral. To Mike, the perk was riding alongside his aunt in the limo. To Kayla, the bigger perk was the opportunity to talk about how 15-year-old Mike could be the perfect gentleman. He eagerly practiced opening doors, helping a lady into a car, seating a lady in a chair or pew and walking with someone on his arm.

For some teens, the thought of a formal dance at school motivates them to learn a few rules of etiquette. If you have friends or family members who are getting married soon, count that as a glimmering teachable moment.

Which One’s My Bread Plate?

Fine dining can be intimidating, but you don’t have to spend a fortune at an expensive restaurant coaching good manners. A few families in our community pooled their talents and resources and hosted a formal dinner for teens. Parents pitched in with either cooking or serving as “wait staff.”

The teens had a chance to dress up, eat well, giggle and learn a few things along the way. For example, everyone knew the bread plate was found on the left of the place setting by dinnertime.

Dip Your Partner and Other Tales of Serendipity

When Edison was 16 years old, he was signed up for ballroom dancing at his high school because he failed to choose an elective that semester. His advisor chose for him. His dancing partner was a buddy who suffered the same fate because he too had failed to choose an elective. (They took turns leading.) Ultimately, the two reluctant dancers learned a lot, the most important thing being that it’s important to make your own choices by the deadline or you end up dancing to someone else’s tune.

Both boys may have been embarrassed when the class started, but afterwards, they were well-prepared for the spring prom.

Do Drop Us a Line and Do Tell

If you’re a parent of teens, you have stories to tell. Would you share in the comment section below? As parents, we have more in common than we realize – and stories that make us snicker, sigh in commiseration, applaud, or even laugh out loud are always welcome. Kayla and I love to hear from you.

PS You can also share on our Facebook page!

When our family celebrated Olivia’s 6th birthday, her grandparents had traveled approximately 400 miles across three states to celebrate the day. The day stands out because the gift of clothing was not well-received.

Once the wrapping paper was happily ripped away, the opened gift box was greeted by tears and a few honest statements that were best forgotten.

While preventing a melt-down is always better than cleaning up after one, no parent can prevent every conceivable drama. The basic premise behind good manners is that others’ needs are considered before our own.

After our somewhat disastrous family get-together, I realized too late that a 6-year-old should be pre-advised before any gift-giving session. A quick talk that we always say thank you for a gift–even if it’s one we would never pick out-would’ve been beneficial.

After all, the gift giver spent time and money picking out the gift.

Here’s a general list of helpful manners for the 10 and under set:

1. Nice words matter. “Please” and “thank you” aren’t complicated, but smooth the way for any person to ask nicely and consequently receive favors.

2. After you, please. Allowing others to get out the door or off the elevator before rushing forward is a helpful and safe habit.

3. Know when to interrupt. If you allow a child to interrupt indiscriminately, you may wait another 10 years before you have a complete thought again. Knowing that the house is on fire or a similar emergency is a good reason for a child to interrupt. When your child tries (and she will), put your hand on her arm to let her know you’re not ignoring her. Finish what you were saying – and then turn to your child, “Thank you for waiting so nicely, dear. What do you need?”

4. Excuse me, please. When there’s an emergency and a child needs to interrupt, this is a great phrase. Also works nicely when a child bumps into someone or in crowded spots when he needs to pass by.

5. Out of sight. Teeth picking, nose picking, scratching – may all be necessary, but the rest of us shouldn’t have to watch.

6. A little help, please. A child can open doors for people. As she goes through a door, she can hold it for the next person. And saying thank you when someone holds a door open for your child quickly becomes a natural skill.

7. Gracious guest. At a party or even for play dates, there’s a grown up in charge who’s worked hard to make it pleasant. Teach your child to say “Thank you for having me” to that kind person.

8. Self-cleaning guest. A guest who cleans up after himself is welcome in any home or situation.

9. Mute negative opinions. Your mother probably said it this way: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Good rule to be used for all of us when describing Aunt Bessie’s carrot salad or Uncle Fred’s new hair style.

10. Social graces 101: Encourage your child to speak politely to your friends. She should be able to respond to “how are you” and also ask the same question of the adult. Another valuable social skill is to say “thank you” to an adult’s compliment.

Do you have a success story – a great way that encouraged your child’s best manners? Or do you have a story when the best laid plans didn’t quite deliver? Kayla and I would love to hear from you.

Image courtesy of luxemartin and Flick.

Maybe it’s like this at your house. You hear “AHHHHH. One English lit test, a history essay and 35 math problems.” That’s your first clue that it’s going to be a long night.

“Okay, ask me these questions. I think I’m ready….” would be Lesley’s usual request, but often we both realized after the first three questions that she wasn’t ready.

Breaking up your child’s routine with physical activity can be a great way to jump start his focus. Our “go to” activities when the weather wasn’t particularly inviting outside were a jump rope and a hula hoop. How many times can you jump rope in a row? How long can you keep a hula hoop going? Any focus away from whatever she was working on lightened the tension.

On sunny days, jumping on a pogo stick on the back porch released endorphins. A bike ride or a run around the neighborhood could get blood pumping and send a burst of oxygen to the brain.

Okay, there was that one time when Lesley rode off into the sunset on her bike, and we had to send her older sister and brother looking for her, but mostly, study breaks worked.

School teachers have found that old fashioned recess offers a needed break in routine and helps improve children’s attention, concentration and the ability to stay on task.

As quoted in a recent article in USA Today, Howell Wechsler, director of the Division of Adolescent and School Health for the Centers for Disease control and Prevention:

“Some short-sighted people thought that cutting back on time spent on physical education to spend more time drilling for tests would improve test scores. But in fact there are a lot of studies that show that more time for PE and other physical activity help improve academic performance.”*

Research has shown that even short breaks of 5 to 20 minutes in the classroom can help a child’s attention span and improve test scores.

More and more research proves that physical activity helps an individual think better. And it doesn’t have to be interspersed between your child’s homework tasks to be beneficial.

Kathy Dean, a physical education teacher at Summit School in Arizona started an early bird running club for students from pre-K to eighth grade. According to Dean, “The research is saying more and more that starting off the day running or walking makes students better learners during the day.”

It’s really had to keep sitting at the computer and finish this article. The sun is….
(Kidding! What are your child’s favorite study break activities? What works at your house? We’d love to hear from you.)

*[1] Hellmich, Nancy. “Study: Physical activity can boost student performance,” USA Today, April 4, 2010.

Image courtesy of Flickr and Sharon Drummond.

I’m not out to give you a definitive list of books your children must read to be a model citizen or better student. I do want to encourage you to keep reading and to keep putting books in your children’s hands. You never know which book is going to spark, inspire and change everything.

Some of us may not be born book lovers, but most of us are born to become book lovers.

For the same reason children shouldn’t be served a steady diet of chicken nuggets, fries and pizza, the same sorts of books shouldn’t be continually given. Your child may prefer comic books, but you want to keep offering other choices.

With our firstborn, we read to him early and often. Reading was something he loved from the beginning. Our first daughter also loved books – no problem. Our daughter Lesley was a completely different story and didn’t sit still for much. All the smugness I felt from having two children who loved reading disappeared overnight.

She didn’t want to Pat the Bunny and she was ambivalent about bidding the evening adieu with Goodnight Moon. She mostly listened when I did my best “Grover” voice for The Monster at the End of this Book. She was mildly intrigued by Richard Scarry’s Richard Scarry’s Busy, Busy Town.

If she had been my firstborn, I’m sure I would’ve obsessed about what book to try next. Fortunately, having two older children helped me keep a balanced perspective and also preoccupied me so that I had no time to obsess about much.

Even with kids who love books, they may not like the same books that you do. As a child, I adored the “Little House” series books by Laura Ingalls Wilder, but none of my children particularly cared for them.

Early in the reading game, we went past our own collection of books and checked out the local library. I have to admit that looking for new children’s books was something I looked forward to as much as they did. When they were small, we all started looking for anything by Rosemary Wells wrote to see if there was another Max and Ruby adventure.

Even Lesley liked the privilege and adventure of going to pick out new books. Sometimes we just giggled over birthday cakes with real worms, or how noisy Nora could be. The Sweetest Fig showed us that dreams could really matter. Oh, the Thinks You Can Think reminded us how important our imaginations are. Miss Rumphius got us to wondering what we would do to make the world a better place.

After reading anything by Patricia Polacco, we all wanted to say Thank you Mr. Falker. He was her brilliant teacher who recognized how awful it could be if you couldn’t read and you didn’t know why.

In a time where no specialized help was readily available in public school, he made sure that she got the help she needed and stopped the bully’s teasing that tormented her.

In Polacco’s words, “Mr. Falker had reached into the most lonely darkness and pulled me into bright sunlight and sat me on a shooting star. I shall never forget him…So this book is written both to honor Mr. Falker, but also to warn young people that mean words have a terrible power…and that they should do all that they can to see that teasing stops at their school.”

Many books that we read together or that my children read included great messages I wanted them to absorb. Hopefully these stories weren’t so obvious with their moral or my children might not have chosen to read them. After all, reading needs to be fun!

There are children who don’t click with books until middle school or high school. My daughter’s 9th grade English teacher admitted that his father made him read classics in the summers. It wasn’t until the third summer that he enjoyed any of it.

With summer quickly approaching, you might want to combine a love of video games and the hope of more reading with a chart where kids earn their video gaming time by increments of time spent reading. For instance, 30 minutes of reading can buy a kid 15 minutes of video game time. If you’re interested in seeing the sort of Excel spreadsheet that was used in Kayla’s family, email us and we’ll send you a copy.

Whatever method you choose to inspire readers, keep trying, and don’t give up!

If your child has a few favorites, please let us know what those titles are. What method worked at your house to convert a mildly interested reader to a book lover? We would love to hear from you. What you’ve learned could help someone else who’s struggling now.

Image courtesy of Yellowbird and Flickr

For those of you with younger children, don’t skip this! There is also an amazing piece of advice I’ve never heard that you need to start on NOW. We’ve changed up some of the facts, below to protect privacy, but we’ve been given permission to share the following…

Every year from 9th grade on my child took the PSAT—Preliminary SAT—to give her practice for the time in her Junior year of high school when she would take the SAT. It cost money, but it was well worth it. However, I just assumed the school would apply for special testing accommodations for my child since a 504 plan was in place.

My child had to take the SAT and ACT two times in her Junior year—the first time was without the special accomodations. Thankfully we had time to take the test again with them in place before her senior year started! Her scores were dramatically higher with the extra time and small testing group. My child prefers the ACT to the SAT as it is easier to understand what is being asked of her.

In addition to getting accommodations for these exams, if possible try to get your child some tutoring. This especially helped with the SAT where there is a formula involved with taking the test. For example, they taught my daughter that if you have a math problem involving numbers with lots of zeroes, most likely the answer will be the number with the most zeroes in it. The SAT seemed to be more about test-taking skills where ACT was more about what your child knows.

And when applying for college, be sure you present your child in a well rounded way. My child’s test scores and GPA were not as high as other students applying to her university of choice. However, she was accepted and they were not! I may never really know why this happened, but I can only assume it was because of her college resume and essay. In the resume we included every activity and award since Kindergarten. This showed her involvement in school and community activities and gave an inside look into her talents and strengths.

I received a tip when she was in preschool: start your child’s college resume now because when you sit down to write it in when applying for college, you won’t remember everything! That was the best advice I have ever received.

The essay is a good way for your child to tell them about their ADHD. My child wrote about ADHD and how she has learned to work with it and sees it as an advantage. My child took honors courses all thru high school and passed with Bs and a few As. This is ok because, and the explanation in her essay helped her.

So together, the essay and her resume gave the college admissions team a good look at who my child is so they could determine if the college load my child was asking for would work for them. They have to ask: Can this student handle the schedule and requirements for their intended major? Colleges are not looking to keep kids out; they want to accept every child they can.

Happily, my child has been accepted into a very intensive program in the medical field at a major state university. My child’s dreams are coming true, and her parents are sooooo proud of her!!!

Photo credit Sergey Vladimirov and Flickr.

Today’s post is by Jenn Cohen, the self described ‘Chief Word Nerd’ of Jenn Cohen Tutoring. She has some invaluable tips to help you navigate the troubled waters of the SAT and the ACT. I wish I had read this a few years ago!

College admissions tests are a necessity for most college bound students, but just a mere mention of those three letters S-A-T can make kids (and parents) run for the hills. The urge to dash for the door may be even greater for ADHD students. Preparing for the test can be an overwhelming task, and applying for testing accommodations can be lengthy, expensive and unfortunately, unsuccessful.

Here are a few tips to get your college bound teen on the right track. Most importantly, don’t procrastinate! It’s tempting to stay in denial about the realities of test day, but starting early can make all the difference, especially for ADHD students. I encourage my tutoring clients to start prepping for the test a year before they plan to take the test. Yes, really.

As you already know, ADHD students need more time to complete school aassignments, and test prep is no different. To get in the same amount of practice tests and questions as typical students, ADHD students need to allow plenty of additional time. Ideally, ADHD students will start their SAT or ACT prep by the fall of their junior year at the latest. This allows time to not only get completely comfortable with the test, but it eliminates a lot of stress that comes with last minute cramming.

Another important reason to get an early start is to allow plenty of time to request test accommodations. A 504 plan/IEP may be sufficient to qualify for accommodations, but it may not. If your child is denied accommodations on the first request, you want to make sure you have enough time to gather and submit additional documentation. That may mean repeating any diagnostic testing. A good rule of thumb is that test results more than three years old should be updated. Talk to your child’s school counselor for more information about how to apply.

Before submitting your accommodations application, it’s important to develop an accommodations strategy, particularly if your student is opting for the SAT instead of the ACT. Extended time conditions on the SAT can be grueling at best, and counterproductive at worst. Carefully consider which accommodations will be most helpful, then request only those! I strongly encourage students to take a full-length practice test with accommodations to help determine which are necessary and which only make a long test even longer.

With that being said, the ACT is often a better choice for ADHD students. The accommodations available are more friendly to an ADHD student’s needs, and ACT, Inc. tends to be a bit more generous with awarding accommodations than the College Board. Read more about the ACT and ADHD.

As for the type of prep your student needs, the options are practically endless. However, ADHD students seem to have the most trouble with classroom preparation. That setting is distracting for typical students; for ADHD students, it can be a guarantee of getting little from the course. Better options are independent self-prep or working with a tutor. Tutors are ideal for ensuring accountability, working through tough questions and remediating skills that students may never have fully grasped in school.

The SAT and ACT don’t have to be a nightmare. With planning and an early start, college admissions tests are entirely manageable, if not fun! OK, I lied about that last part, but seriously, just think about the tests as speed bumps on your way to college. Every student who wants to go to college can get there.

Jenn Cohen is owner of Jenn Cohen Tutoring and President and Chief Word Nerd of Word-Nerd.com, an SAT vocabulary website. She specializes in tutoring ADHD students for SAT, PSAT and ACT. You can find her on Twitter @satprepforadhd and @SheldonWordNerd.

Image courtesy of Flickr and albertogp123

Think back to the socially awkward peers of your own class. Or maybe you were one of the ones who felt awkward – like I was. While most of us outgrow feeling clumsy, initiating certain activities with your child can ease them into their own social graces with a little less stumbling.

Like other life skills, social skills can be acquired and improved over time with practice and encouragement. Here are a few tips for coaxing out the inner social butterfly in your child:

Stealthily, she observes. Children don’t start playing with one another until at least age 3. Play groups before that age are either exercising your patience or allowing you to interact with other parents. After the age of three, your children’s group play can teach you a lot about how he fits in and interacts with others. Watch closely!

Practice makes almost perfect. Group play – whether it’s at pre-school, church or in your back yard – is something your child should participate in a good bit. Where else will she learn to take turns and share her toys? This point brings us to role playing.

You be you, and I’ll be… Role playing certain scenarios is like a piano student practicing scales. The exercise lumbers you up for the real thing. Scenarios like a peer not sharing or name calling are likely at some point in time. What will your child do when that happens? A child diagnosed with ADHD can easily react without thinking of consequences, but role playing promotes a bit of forethought and planning.

Ooops. Were you talking to me? An ADHD child may zone in and out of conversations depending on his level of interest and the topic at hand. Done enough times, other children may decide his friendship isn’t worth the trouble or worse, decide that she’s a good target for humiliation. Role playing conversations can help here. How do you introduce someone? What are good conversation starters? Can you follow what that person tells you with a follow-up question? (Read more on learning to flow with a conversation.)

Fashionista patrole. I’m all for a child expressing herself with fashion, as long as she’s not wearing something that will make her a target for teasing. I realize I’m dating myself, but for our era, wearing white socks with dress shoes or “high water” pants made you a nerd and socially unacceptable. Try gentle guidance here.

Be the host with the most. I know one family that upon moving into our neighborhood, the dad built a tree house and installed a zip line to attract kids to meet his kids. His plan worked beautifully. Sometimes the attraction may be the latest video game or a classic (AKA old) DVD or video. (“Holy horrors, Batman! Is that VHS??”) Or it could be a chance to make pizza or bake chocolate chip cookies together. A little creativity on your part can draw kids together. As the hosting parent, you’ll have a better idea what your child’s friends are like.

Driving point. Say yes to carpool duty. Why? I don’t know what it is about driving a lot of kids anywhere, but somehow the driver becomes invisible very quickly. Keep both hands on the wheel and listen carefully. You’ll be continually amazed and educated.

Choosing extracurricular activities. Although I don’t want your child to be overscheduled, the right activity is important. Choose wisely. Whether your young star shines on the basketball court, on stage, or camping with the Boy Scouts, his social skills are continually honed. Your volunteer time improves his star power. You’ll have a better idea of where she stands in the organization and what’s needed next if you’re in the mix of adults who keep the proverbial wheels oiled and rolling.

Praise specifically. When you see your child doing something you like, tell him!! Empty praise wears thin, but specific praise encourages the behavior you like. One young mom was mortified when her 10-year old son started telling her what his peers were telling him about sex. Yet she was fortunate that he was communicating this with his parents. Once the initial shock wore off, she was able to praise him for being honest and open with his parents. Three cheers for communication and specific praise!

Way to persevere, parent!! You’re obviously concerned about your child’s social intelligence, and now you’re ready to put some new ideas to the task. What a way to educate yourself and make a difference in your child’s life!

Image courtesy of Joyseph and Flickr.

A while ago, Susan contacted me about a new children’s book she had written called, “Sophie, Pay Attention!”. It’s about a little girl who has trouble attending. Because she’s so scatterbrained, her family sometimes doesn’t pay attention to everything Sophie says, either.

It’s a great read for our kids. They’ll identify with how Sophie truly does want to pay attention, and how she feels when she’s misunderstood by those who love her. It also weaves in the story of another inattentive girl – the servant girl Rhoda who left Saint Peter standing at the door.

“Sophie, Pay Attention” is a Kindle book, and as of publication time it’s only $2.99. (For Amazon Prime members – it’s free!) I loved the book!

Grab your copy of “Sophie, Pay Attention” at Amazon.

It was spelling – an online hangman game that had to be completed and submitted via the school’s homework system. (At least there was no book to bring home – right?!)

Anyhow, the particular problem Colin was having was a game of hangman. There were twenty words, and students could only guess incorrectly a few times before being penalized.

So Colin had a sheet of words, and every time he got one correct, he was marking them off. Here was the dialogue before I offered a solution:

Mom: “How many letters does the word have?”
Colin: “Three”
Mom: “You’ve already guessed the vowel. So, find me a three lettered word that you haven’t marked out that has “I” as the vowel in the middle?
Colin: “Ummmmmmmm. PIT”
Mom: You’ve already USED that one!
Colin: “Ummmmmmmm. DOG”
Mom: Colin. An “I” in the middle.

After about six words, Colin and mom were very frustrated, I was having flashbacks to Joe and his mother. So I offered my solution. We took all the words, photocopied them using the ‘enlarge’ setting. I cut them into pieces. Then I showed Colin how to separate the words into two groups – three letter words and four letter words. We then sorted them further by vowel. Finally – because Colin had already completed several, we made a stack of words that had already been used.

The next word had four letters. Colin only had to look in one stack. He still guessed at the vowel, but as soon as he got it right, the answer was obvious. Then he moved that word to the ‘already guessed’ stack.

So basically we visually organized what Colin was seeing, then cut down on the clutter of the extra words he didn’t need to see. Making smaller ‘chunks’ of information reduced distraction. It’s sort of like the hint in “Focus Pocus” that says to only allow a child to see only a couple of math problems at a time.

You will notice that it took prep work on my part – something we warn you about in Waking Up from the Homework Nightmare. I had to spend about five minutes getting the word cards copied and ready. It probably shaved fifteen minutes off the homework time, so it was definitely time well spent.

Incidentally, Colin knew how to spell the words before he started the game. So his time wasn’t spent learning spelling, but learning how to organize.

Have you encountered a similar way to organize material to make it easier for your child to understand? Share it below!

Brock and Kayla

5. Finders Keepers, part 2. Traveling (or just going to school, color guard or whatever) teach your kids to do a head to toe assessment so that they won’t forget anything. This works most of the time, if they remember to take the backpack that has everything packed in it…

6. Packing list. Make a list and check it twice. Kayla’s list is so compulsively organized that she’s ashamed of it – and so old it has ‘Gameboy’ and ‘film’ on it. Let’s just say Kayla has helped me pack many times…There’s a great list to get you started at About.com . Perusing, a couple of things stood out: medicine, lip balm, zip lock bags and Sharpies, and sanitary products – whether you are expecting a ‘visit’ or not.

If you forget something – don’t panic. Pharmacies can usually transfer prescriptions, the hotel will give you a toothbrush, and if all else fails – there are WalMarts EVERYWHERE.

7. Eat right. It’s so tempting to stop at the fast food places, but your kids need better fare than that. Pack a lunch and snacks or simply stop at a supermarket and grab a meal. A loaf of bread, peanut butter, squeeze jelly, apples, a bag of carrots, a bag of pretzels and a 6 pack of juice is easy to grab and go. Tuna now comes in individual servings, too. Don’t forget plasticware, wipes/paper towels, and plates or bowls. And you’ll save money, too!

8. What are you afraid of? Open a dialog about what your child may be worried about. Wetting the bed? Getting lost? Aunt Gert’s bad breath? Cousin Essie’s tomcat? Not knowing what to say? Tell them about the times you were afraid traveling – or how you had a crisis and survived to tell the tale. Assure them that you’ll be there for anxious times – and maybe arrange a way for your child to silently signal “I’m uncomfortable. Help!”

9. Look up! As you travel, point out the things that your kids might miss while they aren’t paying attention. Joe seriously missed noticing the Saint Louis arch one day. Offer a reward for the ‘first one to notice…” a streetcar, a Biscuitville, a South of the Border sign, Bruco the caterpillar. And if you’re in a city, remind your kids – and yourself – to look up! You’ll see beautiful and interesting things on rooftops, signs, ceilings, and even in the sky.

10. We Need This Every Hour. If you have a long drive or flight, pack a small bag full of surprises that will be doled out at intervals. Ideas for this: A new dollar toy, a CD, a special snack, a photo album, a camera, a puzzle book, playdough, an easy craft, travel games, markers and books, string for cat’s cradle…

Picture courtesy of Flickr and that Crafty Girl