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ADHD Strategies

Chore List – Guidelines for Assigning Chores to Kids

In a recent post, I listed five reasons that is important for us to make sure our kids do chores. You can read the list on the ADHD-Inattentive blog. But just how do we assign chores that our kids can – and will – do? Here’s your chore list:

It’s important to match the chore to the child. When you assign chores, take your child’s age, ability and personality into account. From the moment they are out of the high chair, a child can ‘dump their plate’ and put it in the sink. I have sweet memories of our little ones reaching over their heads to lob their dishes (plastic, of course) into the water. A two year old can sort and put away silverware, feed the dog (dry food) and put produce into the appropriate drawers in the refrigerator. They can also put toys where they belong – if you have assigned spots for each. A five year old can fold towels, set the table, water the dog, sweep the floor, dust, and make a bed. Most ten year olds can iron their own clothes, cook a simple meal, take the recycling bin to the street, and mop. By the time kids are twelve, there isn’t a whole lot they can’t do around the house – except drive the car!

Despite the above guidelines, some kids aren’t ready to do some chores. If you give a child a chore and they are genuinely overwhelmed with the skill involved, then assign something else. Our last son Ash, for example, has always been a whiz at cleaning out the cabinet that holds all the plastic containers and their lids. Our second son, however, was truly clueless on any of the organizational principles involved. Don’t be fooled, however. Kids can be real masters at feigning inability and ignorance.

Try not to give your child too many chores that they absolutely hate. I, for example, hate to mop. (I’ve mentioned this before…) Were I a child, I would not assign myself mopping as a daily chore. If your child likes to be outside, give her more outdoor jobs. And if your son likes to be in the kitchen, give him responsibilities there.

Give specific instructions. Your child – especially if they are ADHD – needs for you to explain exactly what you expect for them to accomplish. Don’t just say, “Clear off the table.” Give step by step instructions, and you may want to write them down and post them:

1. Fill up the sink with water, and put all the silverware in the bottom.

2. Put lids back on all the containers like milk and ketchup and put them away. (NOT in the medicine cabinet, please.)

3. Use napkins and wipe the extra food on the plates into the trash or compost, then put the plates into the sink.

4. Put away everything else. The salt and pepper shakers and the napkin holder stay on the table. You don’t put them away.

5. Use a wet rag and wipe off the table. Pick up the salt and pepper shakers and napkin holder and wipe under them.

6. Push the chairs under the table.

Keep reminding for momentum. For long chores (you know, the ones more than 2 minutes!), your child might lose focus. Reminders are often necessary. You can give verbal reminders (sometimes known as nagging), flash lights, or set off a timer to ding at regular intervals. Our boys used to fight over this 3-in-1 Timer. (We have a whole page of recommended timers and reminders here.) Another option is to put on a song, and tell your child the end of the song is her cue to get back on track. We’ve also tried giving rewards for finishing a chore within a certain amount of time.

Do a quality check. This is the downfall of many a chore. Don’t expect perfection, but do expect your child to have done their very best. And if they haven’t, make them do it over (and maybe over again – and again). They will be very offended as you point out their mistakes. Don’t cave.

Recognize a job well done. Whether you offer verbal praise, a financial reward, or an hour of television or gaming – thank your child for their help, and affirm their efforts.

ADHD – Can’t Do It Alone

I get lots of feedback from newsletters, which I appreciate – and enjoy – very much. One reader, an ADHD mom, had read about my mixed feelings when our oldest son Ron decided to go back on medication. (Ron is in college.) She sent me the most interesting thought. Like Ron, she is on medication, which initially made her feel very guilty. She wrote that she now considers the ADHD medication, “a daily reminder that I can’t do it on my own, I have to leave it to God.” Cool thought, which I immediately passed on to Ron. By the way, Ron says the meds continue to make a HUGE and important difference for him. His grades reflect that difference.

Our decision about putting one of our sons on medication is chronicled here.

Take Five!

It’s amazing what can be accomplished in five minutes. When your child is feeling particularly overwhelmed, check his to do list, and point out one task that will only take five minutes. Set the timer, and watch the relief as one item can be crossed off as finished.

This hint also works great for parents. If you have a small task you’ve been dreading or putting off – like washing a window or writing a thank you note – set the timer for five minutes and get it over with!

 

Making Friends – The OTHER Social Studies

adhd and friendshipSome children are born social butterflies. They attract friends, know what to say in any situation, have an uncanny sense of style, and always land on their feet. Then there are my kids – and maybe yours. Here are some tips on helping your child succeed in the study of all things social.

Help your child learn to make friends. Although we feel that friendships should happen naturally, finding friends is a skill that can be taught. There is a wealth of information available on this subject. A great source is the online ADDitude Magazine, which has a whole section on Friendships and Social Life. Surf around for some great stories and advice. My favorite book on the subject remains Friends Forever: How Parents Can Help Their Kids Make and Keep Good Friends. It’s got very practical advice and step by step instructions on forming friendships.

Make sure your child’s clothes are in style. A couple of years ago we went to Washington DC , and school groups were everywhere. We stood in line at the National Archives in front of a relatively well behaved group of middle schoolers. As we waited (and waited), I noticed a family approaching, a mom, dad, and a middle school young man. Bless his heart, that poor child had on the most horrible, out of style clothes I think I have ever seen. His too short pants were tightly belted ABOVE his waist, his shirt was buttoned up and had a terrible pattern on it. He wore black tennis shoes like my grandmother used to wear. Worse, though, was his demeanor. He held his head down, and had a haunted ‘who’s going to laugh at me next?’ look on his face. I braced myself as he passed the group of middle schoolers, but they thankfully didn’t make a scene.

Nonetheless, this child’s clothing made him a target. Now, I know that we’re supposed to teach our children that looks aren’t everything, that it’s what on the inside that counts, that you can’t judge a book by its cover. I also know that most of us don’t allow our boys out of the house in pants that sag under their bottoms, or our girls to show 9 inches of their stomach. Why? It’s because of what people will think, and what they might DO or say. Face it. It DOES matter what our kids wear.

You may be like me – fashion challenged yourself. I take a friend with me shopping. When I’m buying stuff for my boys, I sometimes ask the cute little shop girl, “Is this an okay shirt?” I’ve sent my boys with money and a fashion and finance conscious adult, and instructions to “Hit the clearance racks first.” I’ve bought lots of clothing on Ebay. (Sometimes people sell an entire wardrobe for CHEAP – so YOU don’t have to think about fashion or matching!) I copy mannequins, too. And believe it or not, I sometimes watch, “What Not To Wear”.

If our kids are already socially uneasy, we owe it to them to help them dress so that they aren’t lightning rods for ridicule. When kids make fun, our kids feel more insecure, which lowers their confidence, which makes them more likely to be teased. It’s a sink hole. I’m not talking about outfitting junior in the latest fads or brand names. (I’m WAY to cheap for that.) But we need to have our children in passably ‘normal’ clothing. I’m not much on clothesline preaching, but I’m pounding the pulpit on this one.

Teach your child some manners! What do you say when you meet someone for the first time? How do you introduce a friend to a parent, or a parent to a teacher? How do you say thank you after a visit? How do you say thank you for a gift you don’t like?! What do you say when you’re inviting someone to a party? How do you ask for someone on the phone? These are important lessons for our kids, and you may need to practice them.

Role play, for example, meeting the teacher. “Hello, Mrs. Anders. I’m Mrs. Smith, and this is my son Ryan.” “Hello, Ryan.” Teach Ryan to look the teacher directly in her eye and say, “Hello, how are you?” If you want him to shake hands, let him practice. We’ve practiced the whole routine of being presented a certificate by an adult. “As you approach the presenter, reach out with your right hand to shake hands. Take the award in your left hand and say thank you.” Instruction and practice give your child confidence in such situations.

Need help? You’re not alone! I told the story last spring about a meal Ash and I shared with two very ‘cultured’ friends of mine. Although my friends were gracious enough to ignore the fact, Ash demonstrated that he had no table manners. He chewed with his mouth closed and didn’t burp or scratch, but that was about it. He reached across the table for bread, complained about what he was served, made nervous conversation… It was our fault; as he was the last child, my husband and I had never really paid much attention to his ‘company’ manners.

We’ve set out to change that. I bought a book for the boys called, Stand Up, Shake Hands, Say How Do You Do: What Boys Need to Know About Today’s Manners. It’s okay, and teaches some really good points, but it’s dated. I’m getting ready to buy two more, hoping to cover all our bases. The first one, Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teenagers will be useful when my boys launch themselves into society. It’s pretty high brow, but I learned the hard way that there are occasions when our boys need the “know how of high brow”. The second one, How Rude!: The Teen Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out
, is an irreverent guide to manners, which my guys will enjoy, I’m sure. One caution on this book is its casual approach to teenage sex.

Organizing Kids for School Using Color

color coding for adhdColor is a great way to help keep your child organized for school. Choose one color for each subject – like green (money) for math – and use that color for the notebook, folder, and book jacket. In the folder, place a supply of paper for that class, and take a matching highlighter or marker and make a bold line on the edge of the paper. If your child neglects to put their paper back into the correct folder, the colored mark will make it easier for the paper to be found in the bookbag jumble.

Many elementary school teachers require a certain format for paper ‘headings’:

Kayla Fay
Spelling
Homework #6
February 17, 2009

If your child has trouble remembering to do this, go ahead and have her pre-label several pages with name and subject. Then highlight (in the appropriate color!) the spaces for the date and other information, reminding him to fill in. Even if a specific heading isn’t required, placing a highlighted mark on the top of blank paper helps remind some children to write their name. Not that our kids are prone to forget or anything!

The Chore of Chores

Chores. Do you ever feel like giving chores is more of a chore for you than for your kid? My boys never got over the need to be nagged to do their chores. We had a checklist*, which helped immensely, but the boys themselves never morphed into creatures that walked in from school and immediately started to empty the trash.

Chores, however, are very important – for several reasons.

ADHD children are, by nature, self-centered. They often lack the ability to feel what someone else is feeling, or think like someone else. So they reckon that if they aren’t upset by the dirty pair of underwear dropped in the living room (don’t ask), then nobody else is upset either. Chores remind a child that they are revolving with the world – not in the center of it.

Chores are a fact of life, and part of parenting is preparing a child for life. Everyone eventually needs to how to make a bed, iron a shirt, mop a floor, and wash the dishes. Two of our boys no longer live at home, and each of them have expressed that they are glad they know how to do such tasks. I quote, “Man. Those guys are so stupid. They don’t even know how to work a washing machine.”

Chores also teach a child to do something he or she hates. Adults do dreaded tasks every day. Giving your child chores prepares them for this grim reality. For example, it requires a lot of self discipline for me to mop the kitchen floor. I don’t mind folding laundry, vacuuming or dusting, and I love to clean out closets. But mopping? I’d rather take the proverbial beating. Nonetheless, mopping has to be done. So, to prepare them for the rigors of adulthood, my boys have to mop quite a lot.

Theoretically, chores give a child a sense of pride in their work, and a feeling of ownership in your home. Quite frankly, my boys disproved this theory. It really does sound good on paper, and probably holds true in your house. Or maybe not.

Finally, chores are great for you because you need the help. Running a house is a cooperative effort, and you are doing yourself and everyone else a disservice if you try to go it alone. Delegate. Divide and conquer. Share the joy. And maybe you’ll never have to mop the kitchen floor again!

I read this post out loud to our youngest, and when I finished he informed me that if he followed my example and taught his children to mop, that he wouldn’t have to learn how now.

Despite his wrangling for the contrary, my boys have chores. I developed some simple charts to use with my guys. They aren’t sophisticated, but they sure helped.

Take a look at My Magnetic Responsibility Chart for 2008 from Melissa and Doug. This very attractive chart was recommended by a reader. Designed for younger children, it’s flexible and easy for non-readers to use. Kids get the pleasure of moving a magnetic piece when a task is accomplished.