ADHD-Inattentive Type

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Social Media…the New Place to Be Awkward

adhdi_facebookConfession…in our social ineptitude (we’re old enough to wear it like a badge, now!), Brock and I just about gave up on Facebook and Twitter. Neither one of us quite ‘get’ it. In person, we’ve finally come into our own when we can look you in the eye and read all the social signals…but on Social Media, it’s just hard.

No matter the place – Facebook, Twitter, a forum, or heaven help us Google Plus…I always feel like I’m back in 9th grade trying to get the high school seniors to talk to me!

Nonetheless, Brock and I have set an early New Year’s resolution. And we’re giving Facebook and Twitter another go. We’re trying to post and interact every day…and we’re wondering, do you have a hard time on social media? If you’re socially – what word should we use – awkward, disadvantaged, challenged? – do you have a hard time interacting? Or does the anonymity of the internet help you?

What about your kids? Ours don’t have any problem at all coming up with witty posts and clever responses.

If you’re a social butterfly or if you’re like Brock and me, join us on our Facebook page and on Twitter.

We promise we won’t make fun of what you’re wearing and we certainly won’t stuff you in a locker or anything. In fact, we’ll be so grateful that you’re talking to us – we might be rendered all speechless! Just like when we were in 9th grade…

Inattention to Feelings

empathy and adhd inattentive typeHave you ever met a person who has no capacity for empathy? I have a friend that absolutely cannot understand how others can have a different opinion that she does. I don’t like crafts. I’m telling you, she absolutely thinks I am brain deficient because I don’t enjoy cutting out little tiny color coordinated pieces of paper for a scrapbook.

Truth is, many of our children are like my friend, making them appear insensitive, stubborn, or even dense. One of my boys, in particular, has little capacity for feeling. We’ve tried to foster a bit of sensitivity in him in several ways. First of all, we often ask, “How do you suppose he is feeling?”. This highlights the fact that others do have feelings, and makes our child aware of how his actions or words might affect another. We also try to point out the distinction between opinion and fact. “Soft shell crab is gross!” is an opinion. There is no use arguing over that particular point; there is no right or wrong position.

Finally, as he’s gotten older, we’ve been really blunt (insensitive) in pointing out his insensitivities. We’ve tried to make him aware of his has shortcomings, hoping that by the time he gets married, he’ll be able to show some compassion to my future daughter in law!

 

Encouraging an ADHD Child

encourage adhd childLet’s face it. ADHD can be discouraging. Even though they’re wonderful, our children often end up feeling less than perfect. They march to a different drummer, their problems often overshadow their successes, and their sense of overwhelm often eclipses the simple joys of life.

How do you encourage your ADHD child, and help her to develop and maintain a positive self image? Share in the comments below.

Homework can be one of the most discouraging times for our kids. Find out how to “Wake Up from the Homework Nightmare”.

Teaching a Child to Ask for Forgiveness

asking for forgivenessOne of the hardest things for any of us to do is to say, “I’m sorry.” It is interesting to me that dogs can convey remorse without words, but humans often can’t find the words to smooth over a problem that they created. Kids have a terrible time admitting they did wrong; for most adults, it’s even harder. One skill that we need to teach our children is how to ask for forgiveness. Here’s my formula:

Admit wrongdoing. Don’t make a child say “I’m sorry.” If she’s not sorry, you’re compounding her transgression by making her lie. An insincere, ‘Sorry’, doesn’t make anyone feel better, especially if it’s obvious to the person who was wronged. Instead, have her admit wrongdoing. Even if a child isn’t sorry, she knows what she did was unacceptable behavior. Have her acknowledge this: “Wearing your new blouse without permission was wrong.” Again – this is different from an apology.

If, however, the child is truly sorry, he can say so. And only the child knows if the heart is truly repentant. Here’s a hint to pass along – true repentance means that you aren’t proud of what you did, and you wouldn’t do it again if you had a chance to. I’m sorry to have to break it so you, but if you brag to your friends, “I beat the snot out of him, and I’ll do it again if he messes with me!” then you’re not sorry. (Oh, wait…I guess I’m not sorry.)

Name the mistake. Have the child specify what she did wrong. Don’t let her get by with a vague acknowledgement. Have her verbalize the ‘crime’: “I should not have eaten your stash of Halloween candy.” Naming the sin makes it less likely to be repeated.

Ask for forgiveness. Finally, teach kids to ask for forgiveness. This is the easiest part for most kids. “Will you forgive me?”

Here are some examples taken from our own family:

“I should not have hit you in the head with the baseball bat. Will you forgive me?” We started practicing this formula early – when the guys were very, very young and did such things with frightening regularity. Thankfully, they’ve moved on to different crimes.

“I should not have eaten the last bowl of Lucky Charms when I knew you hadn’t had any. Will you forgive me?” Truly not sorry. Truly would do it again. Truly happened this week.

“I’m sorry I spilled milk on your science project. It was an accident. Will you forgive me?”

“Mom, I’m sorry I was so rude yesterday morning. Will you forgive me?”

And here is an example from yesterday. Two of our sons had a pretty heated disagreement. One was clearly in the wrong. After I talked to both of them individually, I overheard this conversation:

Child #1: I’m sorry (he really was) that I (transgression omitted in the interest of privacy). Will you forgive me?

Child #2: Yes.

Child #1: Do you want me to hug you?

Child #2: That’s probably not a good idea. I just f-rted.

I had implored Child #2 to accept the apology graciously, without making Child #1 feel any worse. I declare he chose the perfect thing to say.

And the incident was over. The day was saved, and I knew my boys were on their way to learning to resolve the inevitable disagreements that arise in families.

The world would be a better place if we all would admit wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. Maybe we can change the world – one child at a time.

PS I read a great post today on conflict resolution! Adds more insight and ideas.

stand up and use your mannersAnother Important Social Skill…
Teach your boys most very important social skills – manners from this book. I read it a chapter a night to our guys – at the dinner table. Captive audience, you know. Stand Up, Shake Hands, and Say "How Do You Do": What Boys Need to Know about Today’s Manners

The Power (and Peril) of Praise

encourage adhd childA longtime friend and subscriber forwarded an article to me recently entitled, “How Not to Talk to Your Kids – The Inverse Power of Praise“. In a nutshell, the article states that in order to be truly effective, praise needs to be specific – and true. I recommend that you read the article, which cites research which sort of blows holes into some of the long standing beliefs we have about the way we build self-esteem.

That’s why we praise our kids. “You’re so smart…clever…interesting…beautiful…” I do it. You do it. But is it truly helpful? Could it even be counter-productive? The research in the article suggests that maybe so. “I am smart, the kids’ reasoning goes; I don’t need to put out effort. Expending effort becomes stigmatized—it’s public proof that you can’t cut it on your natural gift.”

Read the article and see what you think. It did make me listen to some of the compliments I give my guys.

“Hello soccer star.” He’s not, really… Perhaps I should have said, “Boy, your ball control was great today.”

“You’re a great writer.” He is, but perhaps I should have been more specific. “Bravo for catching that redundancy.”

It is true that praise is powerful. To avoid the peril that can accompany it, give your praise more punch by specifically and sincerely complimenting your child on talents, traits, and accomplishments.